much ado about life

111110: Doha, Qatar

2010-11-11T16:40:00.003+01:00

This is a small country on the western shore of the Persian Gulf. I read somewhere yesterday that Qatar actually only has 140,000 nationals. At first I baulked at this having googled Doha and seen lots of skyscrapers and other material achievements, but upon driving away from the airport in a cab chauffeured by an Indian fellow, it dawned on me: even the Qatar Airlines flight that I'd flown in on was staffed by a striking mix of nationalities, the airport staff was also an ethnic mix and even the janitors were not Arabic. I'd described to the Indian cab-driver that I was just on a stop-over and that my next plane was leaving that evening, so I just wanted cafés, restaurants and shopping facilities (a.k.a. public safety for this my first time in this region of the world). Laptop low on battery, but the short of the long is that it seems that the entire Qatari blue-collar work force is comprised of Arabs and Asians on 4-year work visas, and to quote the Filippino lady in the Levi's store: " [Qataris] are born rich, so now they never work. They don't do anything!"

But it is quite a sky-line nonetheless!

Picture illustration here

020910: mockery, gossip and complaining

2010-09-08T00:04:00.002+02:00

Note: The title of each post refers to the date on which I wrote it, in this case the 2nd of September, 2010. This is for several reasons: I can work on a post over several days without it becoming antiquated, the post isn't antiquated when our internet decides to shut down and.. -I can be put up an older post, when I can't be bothered writing a new one although its been a while ;)

------

Today was a strenuous day in more ways than one. Every morning we meet in the Section (Company -> Platoon -> Section) to get an overview of the work that has to be done that day. This morning there was a call for volunteers to assist our Supply/Depot Section and I put up my hand along with 4 others. Turns out we were to sort and stack 45kg curb stones outdoors. T'was hot. On the bright side, I did get a good farmers' tan ;)

Talking to a good friend from my first platoon we came to the realisation that conversations between us privates rarely take place without being centered on some form of mockery, gossip or complaining. My personal opinion is that we are all quite young and travel around in large packs where only the most vociferous and quick remarks are heard. Given a year of this form of socialising, we have refined "the art" of mindless and crude jestings. Although it is very, very rarely mean spirited it is none the less taxing not to be able to have sincere or humble conversations whenever in need or want. This is quite different from the Faculty of Theology where humility and openness were the status quo.

010910: Camp Naqoura, UNIFIL HQ

2010-09-04T01:41:00.001+02:00

I've decided to keep a journal ("diary" sounds too girly ;) during my mission here in Lebanon. As well as it being for the sake of you friends and family, it is also for my own sake as diary-blogging has proved a great and accessible way for me to remember where and what I've been - and when.

I figure its also a good way to steer clear of the entrapments of newsletters, which quickly become mundane for all parts and come to carry the stench of obligation with them. Even better you can reach me in two ways: 1) drop an easy-going and quick comment on this blog or 2) write me an e-mail or a fb-quickie.

It should be noted that these blog-entries will be quite unspecific at times due to operational safety concerns. While it is a very peaceful mission, its still a mission and safety measures have to be taken into account. Also, I expect that my writings will be focused on my personal experience of my stay and not on the operational aspect.

Facts:
I'm part of UNIFIL which in summary is a peacekeeping mission in Southern Lebanon along the northern border of Israel. UN-forces have been in this place since 1978 so the Lebanese have grown quite used to our presence by now. Our 'shift' started in the beginning of August and will last to somewhere around Jan/Feb.

More specifically, I'm part of the Danish contingency, DANLOG, which is a logistical company who drive soldiers to the airport (in Beyrouth) with all their gear and equipment, manage the fuel supply, manage the construction-supply depot and support the mess-staff. I drive one of the busses here - an 18-seater with an engine that brings to mind a hamster in one of those wheels in a cage..

Today's activities:
I started of the day early, driving the French basketball team to a tournament hosted by Ghanians/Ghanese../soldiers from Ghana. They played the South Koreans and were felled by a whimsically petty referee. The South Koreans were surprisingly tall though! All this was too the enticing rhythms of some of the Ghanese/Ghanian (help?) soldiers' drums and shakers that they played for a straight 2 hours. Dancing, singing. Fun :)

Drove the French back through some crazy back roads with surprising bumps, turns and mountains and had lunch and an hour's nap (our sergeant only told us of the assignment late last night.)
Played Tekken 6 (got whipped by a techie-nerdy guy) for a solid 1½ hours.

Practiced guitar and went for a semi-late dinner at the French camp's restaurant. Helped my driving partner, Øksnebjerg, wash and clean the bus and headed to the fitness area for a crazy session of cross-fit. Its a form of fitness based on own body-weight which focuses on circulation and not muscle size - although it helps on that too ;) Felt like my dinner was gonna revisit our land of the living a couple of times.

Enough, its 0030 hours and I need my sleep. Tomorrow I expect will be another in a long series of days of "Operation Clean Camp". Its construction work. Tearing down stuff to rebuild it, removing unnatural and unwanted rocks and generally just making our camp look nice.

Also, this fist-sized moth buzzing around is starting to freak me out..

Revelation vs. Science

2009-06-26T22:17:00.002+02:00

This is an extract of a mail I wrote to an old friend, who confronted me with my current life style. It turned out that my life style was not the subject of my reply, rather the (constructed) faith-science divide.

I post this for the sake of feedback: am I wrong? Am I missing something?

Here goes:

"I think it is self-contradictory to write the line "believe the Bible is the litteral Word of God ... it can be easily proven... beyond any shadow of doubt." Belief is not proven as they address two different spheres of existence. I have no doubt that God can interfere with the physical and natural laws of nature but to despise scientists because they do not operate on the basis of belief in God is ludicrous! Observation > hypothesis > experimentation > thesis is the only way to do science! How can you do maths if you do not assume (on the basis of observation) that 2+2=4 because of some archaic notion that God will always provide 5000 loaves and fish from 12 of each. At some point, charismatic Christians are going to have to accept that description is not contrary to revelation because it never claims to be (except some fanatics in the other ditch). I really don't see why God would create a world only to contradict it, in other words: if nature is God's handiwork, of course we can describe it to discover the recurring patterns and underlying dynamics. Consequently, I doubt that Genesis' intention was a detailed description of creation, but rather a poetic rendition of God's insanely awesome power of structure and imagination!

I've found that there is no contradiction between faith and science. Science's only goal is to describe and hypothesise about the physical - to describe. Faith's role is not to explain that which is left unexplained, but rather to describe that which cannot be described, explain the inexplicable, fantasize about the unfathomable, poetically describe the indescribable God and His works. There is a grander, greater reality behind warring science and knowledge. Don't shun opportunities to realize God's Kingdom in all of your social relations as they are always a choice between Love and Hate, closeness and distance!

..whoa, this really is a big "can of worms" ;) I won't pretend to have answers but I'm in a process and in this process I find it almost crazy to shun knowledge and explanations because of the fear of doubt. Albeit banal, I liken it to growing up being seasoned into the belief that Earth is flat and not accepting knowledge or explanation in fear of it being wrong. Banal, yes, but still fear of explanations seems.. -yes, dumbing!"

Journey to Love

2009-05-03T02:52:00.000+02:00

I seldom realise that I have been on a journey until I look back and realise that I moved. It is good to be on a journey. We are not meant to stand still. We are meant to move - ourselves and others. But if you have never moved, you cannot move others. How good it is, then, that we all move.

But for some reason moving frightens us. I guess we attach ourselves to our familiar surroundings, routines and most of all fears. I do not think that we fully realise how much of what we do and do not do is determined through our fear. Then we abandon natural friendship with our dream and trusting naïvety for a constant, never alarming cohesion with fear, thus keeping our enemy too close.

The inconveniently (for us who have befriended fear) convenient (for those of us seeking freedom) reality of fear is that it is a very fragile thing. Actually, its not even "a thing". Well, actually fear is nothing. We just don't know it. If this were an American movie the old man guiding the main character would say, that "fear's only in your head."

The only thing keeping fear alive is us. It is, so to speak, a man-made construction. To make it worse, its a construction based on linear time. (I'm not really sure what I'm getting myself into here, but I've thought about it for a long time - might still be wrong, but if no one tells me, I'll probably never know.) If we didn't ascribe value to our past "hurts", we wouldn't fear their being repeated in the future. Which would leave us engaged only in our present.

If we were only engaged in our present, there would be nothing holding us back from: Love. Unity.

And finally I arrive at the thought which sparked this long mental exercise: Love is not an effort or will to unify. Love is to not dis-unite in the first place.

Challenge

2009-02-02T19:25:00.002+01:00

I haven't been challenged on my person, my character, for a long time. Tonight, though, is one of those challenges. And it isn't fun, growing. I stand between the choice of dwelling in the pain, turning my frustration onto that which is outside my control or dealing with my reaction, my frustration, inside myself.

In these situations I find it helpful to map out which areas within a relationship is my responsibility and which is not. The area within my sphere of control, my responsibility area, must be dealt with by myself, must be addressed by me. If I don't assume control of this area, it assumes control of me by turning into an area of bitterness, darkness. And so, when coming across this area, I will always feel pain (and eventually numbness) if I don't assume control of it.

The areas outside of my control are interesting as well, as they are the actions of others. This is essentially the same as the circumstances which I find myself in. I can't control these - only react to them! It is this reaction which is within my control and this I must control.

But its hard as it isn't solely a mental exercise ("don't think about pink elephants!") but a searching of the soul, not allowing the soul to dwell on the pain or in the darkness but continually bending my entire being, my entire perception of 'reality', towards Good - maintaining an intent focus on Beauty, Truth and Life. Letting myself be infuriated with my weakness and then letting go of Past and Future and letting myself exist now: I am the Ivan of the Present. Past is what I allow it to be, Future is never Present: I am Now. I am never Ivan the (past/future) Failure for I cannot cease to exist outside of this naked and time-independent Present.

Perspectives on Aid

2008-12-09T11:59:00.003+01:00

When 16, my parents took our family to Indonesia to do aid-work. It was then I was first faced with the complexity of trying to help: what signals does it send? Does it imply to the receivers of aid that you (and the rest of the world) view them as powerless? -and that you (and the rest of the world) have all power to change them? How do you avoid the total dependency of the community, on however large a scale, on aid? What is the west's motivation? -is it guilt money? The problems continue to form a very, very long list.

Its been long since this has been on my mind, but through podcasting "Speaking of Faith" I listened to an interview with an African journalist, Binyavanga Wainaina, who is a recognized voice on this issue. In satirical style, he wrote an article as a tip-sheet for wester journalists on how to write about Africa. Here's an excerpt:

"Broad brushstrokes throughout are good. Avoid having the African characters laugh, or struggle to educate their kids, or just make do in mundane circumstances. Have them illuminate something about Europe or America in Africa.
Describe, in detail... dead bodies. Or, better, naked dead bodies. And especially rotting naked dead bodies. Remember, any work you submit in which people look filthy and miserable will be referred to as the ‘real Africa’, and you want that on your dust jacket. Do not feel queasy about this: you are trying to help them to get aid from the West.
Animals, on the other hand, must be treated as well rounded, complex characters. They speak (or grunt while tossing their manes proudly) and have names, ambitions and desires. They also have family values: see how lions teach their children? Elephants are caring, and are good feminists or dignified patriarchs. So are gorillas. Never, ever say anything negative about an elephant or a gorilla."

Read the full article here.

Listen to the one hour-long, in-depth interview from here.

Check this out

2008-11-06T23:40:00.003+01:00

A friend of mine from theology (study) just started blogging - so if you're any good at Danish (and you need something to reflect upon) check it out at www.neutral0000.blogspot.com (trancendental name, yah?).

en france

2008-07-16T16:50:00.002+02:00

I'm in France. Getting used to an English keyboard (only slightly different than a Danish but my own insufficiency never fails to frustrate me). More exactly I'm in Villefranche-sur-Mer just east of Nice (southwestern coast of France - the Riviera). Its absolutely stunning here. The old part of the city is breath taking, and seeing 'for sale' signs outside the most charming apartments is driving me mad. I want to move here, but my choice of studying theology (low pay) has pretty much killed those dreams. Actually it hasn't killed the dreams as much as the prospects.

The other night we went drinking. Got unusually drunk by the harbor with the owner, staff and friends of a bar we stumbled into that evening. I've never had a hang over like that one / spent one full day sleeping, drinking water and eating salts and sugars to try and re-hydrate. -unsuccessfully so, cos I had a headache until next (this) morning.

I'm here with my family except my older sister and her hubbie (she likes to call him that). My mom is absolutely taken with the riviera stretch. My dad, usually the great saver, is being unusually large about gas, living and holidaying expenses. I've gone on my usual spending spree (bought an expensive jacket in Monaco) and my younger sister (steph) is craving for shopping. My parents and her went to Nice yesterday, so she must've gotten it settled.

This place is beautiful. Full of good people (this is the foreigners' hangout) and I wanna get a job here. I should probably wait with such plans until I've got my bachelor (2 years) but I wanna do it now! -dang! Maybe I should come here for a summer. Dunno.. I had a good talk with the new owner (Chris - English fella) and I reckon I could land a job here. But no, better not think about it.

I should go now. Left my brother at a table. Plenty of pix coming up on my myspace profile in a week's time or so.

review of blog-entries (procrastination)

2007-12-12T14:23:00.000+01:00

Blogging's great for someone in their teens through to their twenties. -not that it isn't for older and younger too, but it definitely is for someone my age. I just re-read a heap of my old entries from '04 when I was in high school and its a great catalyst to get the memories going.

I was at an entirely different place then in all aspects of life: faith, relations, family. (no, not economically.. sigh) So kids out there: get a blog and start writing!

I've got exams coming up - hard ones too: oral greek, oral philosophy and an assignment in new testament. So naturally, I can't pull myself away from my computer here at home. Oh, to those who haven't found out, I've started putting my songs up on myspace! Please do comment 'cos its really hard to be objective about one's own songs. Link is:
www.myspace.com/ivansaaby

Okay okay, I'll go study now. Maybe breakfast first but then study! Tonight I'm hanging out with some of the guys from college who're great. One of them got married Saturday so we're going to his new place to hang out and watch Champions' League.

..this is just ramble, yes. I haven't written here for so long that I've lost the mojo. I'll start again now, tho.

religious pluralism

2007-10-01T01:40:00.000+02:00

I don't know what to make of religious pluralism. Really, I debate this often with myself and deliberatly shy away when the subject is raised by self-proclaimed non-religious people, who ask if I don't think 'we all are looking at different doors to the same room.'

But tonight I watched a show by an outstandingly sharp and witty, Danish journalist, Clemen Kjærsgaard, with Desmond Tutu, nobel peace-prize winner and archbishop (I think?) of South Africa. Initially I was alarmed when he employed the elephant-metaphor (blind men touching an elephant, one saying that an elephant is comparable to a snake because he is holding the tail, the other saying that the elephant is rather like a tree because he is touching a leg) and my inner alarmbells were screaming 'pluralism'.

I don't know if it is me or the emphasis of my childhood church, but I've grown up thinking in terms of right and wrong decisions, thoughts and yes, faiths, that Moslems don't have the right faith, Jews have some of the right faith but aren't redeemed because they are missing the new covenant (Jesus) and Buddhists don't even have a faith but some truth-wise inconsequential philosophy. It's 'us and them' and it's about getting 'them' onto 'our' side.

So here's Desmond Tutu blowing my socks off saying that God is more interested in people willingly going to hell than being forced into heaven! But I think he has a point when he says Truth in plural.

If God is good and good is God (which I do believe), then people are learning about God when they are learning good. Also with love. There is no religion who can contain all the Truth about God and so I should be able to accept the truths in Islam and Buddhism without it being subvertive to my faith about God revealed through Jesus. God is revealed in all things good.

This is pretty controversial to many and the implications of this thinking can be massive. So what's your take on this?

recording sessions

2007-08-29T00:37:00.000+02:00

I recorded my first song tonight. I'm in Copenhagen staying at a childhood friend of mine and some guys from his band, campsite, and one of them's got some recording equipment. It wasn't the best of my songs (due to technical problems) but then I can't complain. When its done (and I'm happy) I'll put it up on myspace - just to have something out. Please, if you can and feel like it, feedback on it. [smile]

We should get around to recording some other ones. I think I'm gonna start doing more about my music - just to try it out and see how far it'll go!

haughty solution - another of life's great problems

2007-07-24T10:48:00.000+02:00

When I started studying theology at the university many warned me that it was going to be a great challenge for my personal faith in God as the Creator and Lord of all, Jesus as the Son of God and the Messiah and the Holy Spirit as God's Spirit, relevant to us in the spiritual and physical world.

But I do not see that it should be a challenge. The entire university has as it's aim to be strictly scientific in it's approach and as such there is a basic difference between the "knowledge of God" ["theology"] and actually knowing God. In my world there should be a constant, underlying rule that seperates fact and faith, as 'faith' per definition is a non-factual sphere of life and science is per se void of faith as it builds on scepticism; faith and scepticisme being opposites.

With this in mind it does not give me sleepless nights when I learn that for example modern science is quite certain that the city of Jericho (that Joshua and the rest of Israel marched around for seven days whereupon the walls collapsed) had not existed even close to the time when the Israelites allegedly were coming out of the desert, that a vast part of the Old Testament was probably written or at least radically edited under the exile in Babylon in the 6th century BC or that evolution seems more probable than creation. Is this supposed to rock my faith in God? No, because my faith in God does not rest upon how factual the Old or New Testament is or any such thing, for this would not be 'faith' but rather pseudo-science.

I believe that the proof of the saving and transforming power of Christ, the still mercy and grace of God and the furious violence of the same is personal. It must be not just be experienced, but known in the core of our being and consciousness; an area where fact, probabilities and scientific method lose relevance, for this is where only we individually and God can go.

broken

2007-07-21T16:37:00.000+02:00

I've spent my early youth trying to mend my brokenness or at least evade it, to abate sinful acts. Now I am spending my late youth coming to terms with it. In preparation for dedication, commitment - yes, love in all aspects of my life - in spite of my brokenness.

Writing those two sentences is hard for me, for it represents my abandoning of youthful optimism in favour of tired realization of my own fall, my own commonness.
"But I've seen your flag on the marble arch and love is not a victory march, its a cold and its a broken Hallelujah."

In this lieu, life consists of brokenness and distractions from it.

Speak to me of brokenness and speak to me of the Ressurection. For I see now, that victory will not come from myself; only through an external force making me whole, but I haven't yet come this far in the process.

our responsibility

2007-03-13T12:45:00.000+01:00

Contrary to logic about any absolute, I find that people calculate the possiblitiy of faith being possible and valid as a lifestyle on the evidence of people around them who impersonate faith. Problem is that they seem to think that faith should be impersonated by anyone who professes to believe. And so personal failures by the professing believers have not only consequence to themselves but to these calculating spectators who seek confirmation that a lifestyle of faith is not possible or plausible, seeking it to confirm themselves that their own egocentric lifestyles are indeed 'good'.
Confirms Matt 5:13: "You are the salt of the earth but if the salt loses it power.."
I don't like it. Don't like the responsiblity.

on this

2007-01-02T01:56:00.000+01:00

Truth is not subjective. And with truth, ethics and moral. It follows that we must not blame any lack of truth and ethics on our part on our circumstances with the excuse that we are products of our influences. We must not reduce ourselves to fortuitious links in the chain of cause and effect, indulging in the emotional pleasure of self-justification; no matter the greatness of spirit this may require of us.

Rather we must find ourselves on our knees in humble awareness of the fallenness of mankind and with this, the fallenness of our collective and individual world.

I was young and something that was mine had been stolen by force and so I went to my dad, the protector of my cosmos, sobbing with fury and indignation and explained to him the violation to which I had fallen victim. It was and still is unfair when all he said was, "Ivan, you need to be broken." But years later it taught me a lesson, that unfairness is to be expected; that being adamant about my rights is not the Way.

So I must lay down my rights and instil my heart on love for my fellow people and hope for the continual victory of what still is Timeless and True Good.

For I am part of a story, a tale that was before me and that will be long after my passing. I must not look to the short-term but rather look to steer with all I can the world onto the course of this Timeless and True Good. Partly and simply, in honour and reverence of those who've gone before, in remembrance us who are now and in love for those yet to come.

a thought of africa

2007-01-02T01:25:00.000+01:00

Hearing the list of the names of the dead,
hearing without understanding
the number of the score of victims
robbed of their rightful peace
their freedom
must in no way diminish
our love for each and every
of their beautiful souls.

Neither must we let
our own souls be killed.

Must we not spend our freedom
that they may have theirs.

fiction

2006-11-16T23:24:00.000+01:00

Thank you, Mark Stewart and ecthros for your encouraging words in the comments to my previous entry of self-annihilation.. In afterthought, I do guess one learns one's entire life (at least that's what I hear..) and this justifies opinion-making even at my early stage of learning.

Also, I realise that I probably cannot do without writing here as this space gives me opportunity to formulate thoughts that would otherwise just be absurd fragments in my mind when never forced into a (more or less) systematic exposition.

Another effect of formulating thoughts (especially when dealing with frustrations) is that I force myself to rationally face the facts of the reasons for my emotional outbursts. Its in this situation I often realise that I am not entirely justified in feeling as strongly as I do. Even though I try to advocate the idea of importance of validating the reasons that bring about strong feelings even though seemingly trivial as opposed to an overly 'humble' attitude of always thinking oneself is in the wrong and not wanting or daring to trouble others with one's own "probably insignificant" feelings.

Sooo, after having justified my online existence.. I had a small realisation and although its imbecile, really, I'll write it.

I used to read quite alot until the end of high school / college (pre-uni...) where I got so fed up with books. I've started reading some again (fiction, I mean) and I find myself getting so 'into' the story that I relate to and compare myself with the characters in which case I always find myself lacking their quick wit and ability to say all the significant things in everyday phrases. I've been thinking like this alot and found that I've had a tendency to 'choose' my friends accordingly - those who understand that 'layer of subtleties' are the ones I usually get along with (among other things as well, of course).

Until it struck me recently how moronic this way of thinking is that only causes me to regard 99.9% of the people around me negatively. Why isolate myself?! I simply realised that the author of the books (ie. the creator of the characters) had probably spent a long time formulating those lines compared to how long I have to mull over everything I say before I say it. Its like only ever reading poetry and therefore isolating oneself to only relating properly to people who can formulate themselves like Robert Frost in an sms while driving their car!

So now I'm having to re-learn some basic principles when relating to... people.

talk less, learn more!

2006-11-11T02:08:00.000+01:00

Doubting that anyone has been enduring enough to check and re-check my blog, and that therefore no one will read this, I write this anyway: my explanation (bordering on an apology) (first and foremostly to myself, I think).

As my theology courses at the University of Aarhus continue, I realise the futility of many of my words. Its been said that knowledge only proceeds more questions, ie. greater awareness of the doors yet unopened.

What I'm saying is that, in order to save myself embarrasement to myself later, I will try to talk less and learn more. [smile]

a theologian's job_description

2006-09-23T00:23:00.000+02:00

It thrills the heart of a theology student to read this weekend's edition of probably to most intellectual and socially analytical Danish newspaper, Weekendavisen [directly translated: the weekend-newspaper], as three of the major articles are about the renaissance of religion in European society and politics. The basis for two of the three articles is the well-known issue of the large and increasing immigration of Muslims to Europe and the resulting cultural change of such a large minority, while the point of reference of the third article is the much debated speech of the Pope in his former university of Regensburg. The common ground then of the three articles is the clash of cultures, European and Muslim.

The articles all express the growing need for western societies to be aware of their identity, but this is a grave problem as the cultural key-word in the European mind is individualism. No longer do we define ourselves in terms of our context, family, city, country and religion, but rather we define ourselves solely as ourselves. A rather symptomatic example of this is the story of Sheila, who said she believed in the supernatural but wouldn't confine herself to one religion and instead just declared that she believed in 'Sheilanism.' Or when one of the Danish ministers was interviewed a couple of years ago saying, "The trouble with society nowadays is that as soon as you give people another privilege, you cannot take it away again. People instantly claim it as a right." We are no longer commited to the welfare of our group but we have become egocentric and primarily eager to fend for our own individual welfare.

This is largely, if not entirely, due to the secularisation of the average Joe. For years it has been commonly regarded as a personal weakness, a breach of character, to confess oneself believing in anything supernatural. "We were taught that religion was but an embarrassing left-over from the infancy of humanity that would disappear as we grew more modern, free and enlightened. But we had to think again: the public sphere is now so pervaded with religion that [atheistic philosophers] are talking of a "post-secular society."

Yes, times are changing, the pendulum swinging back, and as Weekendavisen puts it,
"secularisation has proved morally bankrupt: ... while the bloddy, confessionally charged Thirty Years War from 1618-1648 made Europeans see the wisdom in seperating the church and the state, so the ungodly 20th century, the epoch of fascism and communism, has made us painfully aware of the danger in completely expelling religion from politics: the result was totalitarian, political substitutions for religion and a fatal elevation to godliness of the undiluted power of a state that is not accountable to anyone but itself."

The point is that people cannot define or understand themselves without absolutes. And tieing up the boat again, that is part of the job-description of a theologian in a "post-secular" age.

See Weekendavisen.dk articles, "Det famlende Europa", "Klokkerne ringer" and "Kristenheden eller Europa". All in Danish, of course.

zeitgeist

2006-09-19T01:00:00.000+02:00

In Danish we have a wonderful word, "ildsjæl." Its actually two words as you can in Danish almost freely combine words to fit your meaning. As said, two words combined: "ild" and "sjæl." The first means 'fire' and the second, 'soul.' So, 'fire-soul.'

This stated to drive the point that I am not one of these. (Oh yes, 'fire-soul' is used descriptively for persons.) I realised tonight that I do not really have a passion - for anything. Well, this is slightly exaggerated; my girlfriend has the ability to create a storm and so does my family, but nothing else really.

I wish I was passionate beyond belief about something. Music, the Trinity, swimming, reading, knowing, seeing or 'just' an avid fan of a football team! But all of these are merely in category with so many other things that I enjoy placidly when the mood catches me. I am not obsessed. I am not compelled by.. what? mood? recognition? proving myself to myself? self-discipline? love? need?

No, what I am compelled by is 'ought'. I feel very deeply that I ought to 'realise myself' and fulfill my potential. I need to do this for myself or I'll look back in 60 years and regret not driving myself to the max. But where does this feeling originate from?

I am not under the impression that anyone living a century ago would have thought these things. None of the old litterature implies one having to stretch one's arms as far as they could go so one could actually know how far one's arms could go. It'd take up too much space and be a waste of effort. In contrast, I've been exhorted all my life to constantly and diligently exercise the joints in my upper body with the explicit purpose to give myself maximum arm span. I probably won't ever span as far as John Mayer, Bruce Cockburn or even Gavin Degraw, but "its okay, I did my best."

Not okay.

Living my life to try to run as hard and far as I can in just any direction won't do. Like the rest of humanity throughout all centuries, I need direction first and foremost. After that, I'll do what I can to go somewhere and get something done.

Running for the sake of running is not a timeless Truth. Its a current fashion that's only been regarded as 'the way to go' for less than 1% of the time man has been civilised. That's not exactly standing the test of time.

So I don't wan't to believe I am at the center of the universe. I'm to bloody insignificant. -and yes, that's a very, very good thing.

To Montreal

2006-09-14T00:55:00.000+02:00

My deepest, deepest condolences to Montreal and the rest of Canada! As I read the articles I cannot but imagine the scene against the backdrop of my university. May you numerous victims and the families of the two deceased find peace again.

I join my voice to the choir of prayer and thoughts that sounds around the world for you.

At Uni

2006-09-09T00:57:00.000+02:00

I have started studying Theology at the University of Aarhus - the second largest University of Denmark. In fact, I am in the auditorium now, having time to jot this down because there's a debate about the two natures of Christ (man or God?) going on which is non-essential.

Fascinating, isn't it?! Half a year ago I would have travelled to the other side of the country and paid an entrance fee to attend such a lecture (its about the church fathers, really, but this debate is drawing out because of an adamant student) but now I'm actually getting paid by the Danish government to study this!

And I mustn't fail to tell you of how beautiful the facilities are here: coffee kitcen placed very central where anyone can keep their mug and jar of instant coffee and make coffee whenever. -so right now, there's a steaming cuppa beside me. There's wi-fi everywhere of course (although they haven't given me my access code yet) and the whole building is from... its new anyway!

I like this.

churches like business?

2006-08-19T20:14:00.000+02:00

I find myself very, very tired these days. Not because of lack of sleep but rather because I'm spiritually exhausted.

I made the 'mistake' of re-initiating contact with the big guy upstairs and I don't think he's letting me back out on him again - however absurd that might sound to many. I can't get away from my faith anyhow, but I also cannot 'give in' to it. Precisely because it would be 'giving in'! I have some notion that to become a christian again (in the original meaning of the word) would be to come crawling back and to humiliate (not just humble) myself in front of all the people I left with a proud heart, head held high because I refused to give in to their theology that hinges on too many cultural fashions.

Is it not possible to be in a vivant relationship with God without succumbing to christian trends, always being the first to learn the newest songs from the biggest christian artists? Without having to be the worshipper who jumps around the most during a worship session (jam-packed with drum- and guitar solos, unbelievably energetic choir voices and catchy intro's)? Is it possible to surround oneself in a christian gathering that is run more like a proficient company rather than a social club?

Okay okay, I'm 'bitching' but why can't one complain if one doesn't agree? As long as the complainers don't starting working against the boss(es), it should be alright to complain.

Yes, more like the business world! Or am I wrong? What am I missing?

the denmark I love

2006-08-01T23:43:00.000+02:00

As I am a smoker who can't smoke indoors, I am 'confined' every evening to 6-7 minutes on the sidewalk in front of the place where I live. However, this provides for me a beautiful moment to stop and think about the day, a break before I sleep, instead of filling my head with trivial activities until I'm in my bed. More often than not I come back in with a new song idea in my head or sometimes a new post for this blog. Tonight, though, I came in with a light heart because of the rain.

Yes, its raining in Denmark in sharp contrast to the heat wave that has swept over most of Europe the last month. For a couple of days, my country has turned back into the country I love with fresh, cool air, a bare minimum of insect activity (particularly flying ones) and quiet streets providing solitude for the ones with crowded minds and hearts.

On another such lonely, chilly night a couple of weeks ago, I put on my winter coat to go buy milk and all of a sudden I missed tucking the coat around me to keep the wind from sneaking in and the way keys, wallet, cigs and my mobile each had a pocket designated according to factors such as accessibility, size and fit of pocket (to prevent rattling and bulging), priority and frequency of use. How wonderful it is to live in a country that provides so many excuses to wear such a coat!

Denmark is a comfortable, user-friendly safe haven, where one can simply relax and enjoy the above-average asphalt under the tires of one's eco-friendly bicycle without necessarily breaking sweat for not wasting resources on gas or public transportation.

hitch hiking until..

2006-07-10T15:47:00.000+02:00

I'm in Rome at the moment. We're moving on to Napoli tonight, so yeah, we're just going around Italy at the moment. Hitch hiking's supposed to be really hard here, but we don't actually know.

The trip started out fine. Filip's older brother dropped us off at the freeway and I didn't even finish writing "South" on the cardboard sign when someone saw Filip's thumb and curly, blonde hair. It was a Danish family going down to shop south of the border (common in Dk) and they just set us off there - far from the freeway though! So we were quite stuck at the biggest Danish shopping place in Germany. Funny thing happened: my (yes, Nili, she's my 'new') girlfriend was headed south with her family AND stopping to shop where we were at. So after basking in the sun (on the sidewalk) for some hours, they took us a couple of hours down into Germany. From there we slept behind the 'Rasthof's (gas-stops along the freeway) for two nights. The last Rasthof we got stuck for almost a full day because we'd apparently made it down a slightly inconvenient freeway just north of Freiburg, when considering we were trying to get to Southern France. In addition Filip got sick with headaches and puking and so on. I was quite sore myself from sleeping on the ground so spirits weren't high. Eventually we just took a ride with a business man (who bore striking resemblance to Al Pacino in Scarface and even smoked cigars branded 'Al Capone' the whole way) to Zurich, Switzerland. We stayed a night, watched the semi-finals of the World Cup and concluded that we'd started down a path of no return, bought EuroRail tickets (not cheap, mind you!) said goodbye to our newfound American friends (there are Americans EVERYwhere!) and took the night-train to Milano, then Florence (looked around here) on to Pisa, Livorno and Campigliari and then a bus to the small coastal town of Piombino from which a ferry took us to the incredibly scenic island of Elba - where my girlfriend was holidaying with her family and some friends! smiiiile

But we went on to Rome and are here now. The Sixteenth Chapel closed right in our faces so we're disappointed and sad. We've spent waaay too much money sleeping in hostels, eating out and buying water which annoys me. Our good experience last night, though, when we were in Circo Massimo (Rome's old race-track) with at least 30.000 other people to watch Italy win the World Cup! THAT was nuts.. nuts..

Anyway, I wanna go home but Filip reeeally wants to go to Napoli to see Vesuvia and Pompeii.. I guess I'll go along to monitor costs and luxurious expenditure. We've decided to sleep at train stations the rest of the time and buy canned food etc etc..

Okay, time's up here. Sorry its messy and stuff, but.. but.. who cares?! smile

vacation's here

2006-07-01T21:24:00.000+02:00

Just a quick note to say the following:

Thank you to you who continue to read my blog despite my only very sporadic postings. I'm going on vacation now - hitch hiking around Europe for 2 weeks!! [smile] I'm going with a very good friend of mine with whom I've hitch hiked twice before. If I find a good internet café, I'll be sure to drop a note in here about where we are etc etc.. -yeah, just another boring travel-update (don't feel obliged!)

This is my 101'st post!

Take care of yourselves and keep thinking about it all..

Marx's opium

2006-06-27T00:51:00.000+02:00

Reminded by Rivendell45 (referring to comment left to my previous post "Catholicism") I re-read some of Vinoth Ramachandra's Gods That Fail: Modern Idolatry and Christian Mission. On my first glance-like read-through of this book, I was slightly put off by the extent of the author's vocabulary and his fluency in "-ism's." However, on my second read I found I comprehended almost all of the points put forth. Without being able to say what caused my expansion of reading comprehension, I must admit that Ramachandra manages to substantially revitalize my faith in the Christian message. If you read my last post "Sermon on our ineffectiveness..." you will have a pretty clear picture of my sentiments against the modern church's lack of relevance in 'the real world.' It seems to me that we border on letting ourselves fall directly into Marx's age-old attack of being "opium for the masses." This, Ramachandra confirms me in thinking, is quite the opposite of the Christian message, richly conveyed in scripture and by the early church fathers en masse. Take for example "the great Cappadocian Father," Basil of Ceasarea's passionate rebuke of the rich Christians,
"That bread which you keep belongs the the hungry;
That coat which you preserve in your wardrobe, to the naked;
those shoes which are rotting in your possession, to the shoe-less;
that gold which you have hidden in the ground, to the needy.
Wherefore, as often as you wer able to help other, and refused,
so often did you do them wrong."

I sat with Vinoth Ramachandra in a small meeting a couple of years ago, as the group of Christians at my school had invited him to one of our evenings. To me he seemed very harsh and uncomfortably uncompromising even down to his choice of words, but in retrospect I understand him and can only commend him for actually choosing the life-style and taking to heart the Christian message in a way that I have long dreamt of. Yes, it does inspire me.

One example of his challenges to us, which struck quite close to home with me, was his rebuke for our spending so much money on clothing when there was perfectly fine clothing in the second-hand stores down the road for a fraction of the price. It shocked me that he'd actually say it, but isn't he right? Shouldn't we also be accountable for our income versus spendings when we could easily fund relief for the millions who have no means of sustenance. Not only should we devote our money to it, we should devote our time. But to devote our time, we suddenly find we must take it a step further and devote our lives, our very beings, to carrying out the heart of God: loving those in need.

In writing this, I find that I am challenged beyond what I can bear at present time. I find myself protesting on the basis of my previous picture of my evangelical function as challenging the reigning culture in the West. Now, just this reaction makes me realise that I would relish an evangelical function in the West because it is a dream largely compatible with the comforts of the same Western lifestyle. Indeed, this shows me a glimpse of how deeply rooted in me is what Ramachandra labels the "essentially escapist gospel... simply a religious image of the secular consumerist culture in which modern men and women live." It is in this paragraph he makes the point, "it lays itself wide open the the full blast of the savage criticism of Marx and Freud."

However, the comfort for my hope of comfort can be found in that one should not choose or rule out one's evangelical function on the basis of comfort. But my problem is in my heart, that I even hope for comfort. I want to want to hope for the relief of the dying.

PS: I'm sure any author would want a disclaimer here, that if you think what I'm writing above sounds off, take it out on me. The above is not intended to be a sober summary of Vinoth Ramachandra's point, but it is my interpretation of his writings.

Sermon on our ineffectiveness against anything - especiallly injustice

2006-06-18T04:14:00.000+02:00

I subscribe to a newsletter from a atypical Danish technology 'company' that daily sends news of technological break-throughs, big and small. A couple of days ago one of these sparked a thought which lingers.

It was about how we, humans, are putting ourselves in danger, one could fear, by developing artificial intelligence. There are, of course, still a lot of unknowns and many Christians seek comfort in the argument that machines do not have a spirit and will therefore never be able to come alive. Nevertheless, the thought is worth entertaining.

This small company described how technology is taking large strides towards developing artificial intelligence much in line with the sci-fi author, Vernor Vinge's, predictions a decade ago, describing how the gap between Homo Sapiens and 'Homo Fantasticus' probably would easily come to resemble that of the gap between man and apes. Surprisingly, though, the newsletter ends in pondering ethical views, and how super-human intelligence would treat us, with the paragraph:

"At the risk of sounding pessimistic we [man] haven't excactly showed exemplerary conduct in our roles as guardians of the planet: we are terrible at preparing ourselves for predictable natural catastrophes,... we wage wars over outdated energy sources like oil and some of us daily over-eat while millions are starving. We construct and maintain barriers that prevent growth on impoverished continents, build weapons without constructive or defensive purposes, release unfathomable amounts of toxines into nature and hold billions of livestock in torture-like conditions. If you were super-intelligent, what would you do with someone like us?"

Now, its not so much the point of the newsletter in enlightening me about the progress of tech., but rather its accurate and disturbing points of man's faults. That such a grave, albeit far from comprehensive, list of skeletons (obvious, yet hidden/ignored by ourselves) should be so easily and casually listed only enforces the point of our blaringly simple injustice towards fellow men and successors of guardianship of this earth.

Upon thinking this, I found myself asking myself the obvious question of where the church is in all this. If we ever had a popular brand it surely must be "Love your neighbour." -and what have we done with it (besides lending our neighbour our grill once a year or offering to drive their kid to soccer practice with our own..)? Instead we're raving and ranting on about melting wax mountains before "The Lord" and what-not in our private spheres [and now to the stunningly true cliché that we all hate because it so often hits dead-center but we've always heard it] and the moment "we're outside the four church walls" we are nicer, non-cussing versions of every-friggin-body else. Relevant church making any difference?

Which major historical figure was it who said that the biggest sin we commit (supposing sin comes in different sizes) is not getting into the fight, getting into the face of injustice? But how do we do that? "-uhh, well I voted for the christian party, last time!"

And yes, I do go on. What's our problem in all this? Ever hear of "Prozac Nation?" I guess the title says it all. When in Youth With A Mission, I remember being taught that the best way to immobilize an army is to give them comfortable beds, brilliant food, a cozy house and juuuust enough tiny every-day tiny tragedies to keep them distracted and feeling like they each have their share to tackle.

Its when we look beyond ourselves, that we become relevant to history. Its when we look away from ourselves that we cease to be insecure and shaky in our foundations. So, figure out what you're fighting for, how best to fight and then fight. It won't be comfy and cozy, but then again it isn't a human-right to be comfy (shock and horror, eh?!) Yes, risk your left-overs, Ivan, and I guess you'll look back time to time and realize that that makes life more like a life - meaningful and relevant.

Humans

2006-04-25T18:53:00.000+02:00

Wow, there is not much going on in my life at the moment! I find it amazing but true.. This is not a bad thing, though. Without there always being homework to be done, worship to be prepared and people to call, I find I actually have time to consider which things are important to me and spending time doing it.

This is a whole new season in my life and I've become quite addicted to this new, simplistic, way of life. In some ways it compares to the increasingly popular 'desert-times' - life-eras without many distractions and time consuming pre-occupations. I can actively choose the elements in my life and prioritize them.

Okay, I'm repeating myself, but my point is that it is the time spent in reflection/'meditation' that matures me. Having the capacity to refuse to face the consequences of my actions, it is high time that I took time to meditate on them. This creates awareness and a more concrete foundation for future decisions - big and small. A.k.a. maturity.

Okay, I'm rambling and pretty much rephrasing an earlier post of mine..

I am the proud owner of a King James Version-bible and reading Phillipians last night got me thinking about Saint Paul's view on what we humans are made of. I've always thought body, soul and spirit. He thinks it differently. Check it out and let me know your thoughts - if you can be bothered.. ;)

Catholicism

2006-04-09T18:05:00.000+02:00

Stirred by the first Encyclical Letter of the Pope Benedict XVI sent to me by a friend, I looked up the Vatican's homepage and was surprised, amazed and joyed to find wholesome meditations, insightful prayers and wisdom on the internet. All in a delightfully and, I think, appropriate ceremonious tone. Check it out for yourselvses!

www.vatican.va

Here's an appetizer from the abovementioned Encyclical Letter:

"How might love be experienced so that it can fully realize its human and divine promise? Here we can find a first, important indication in the Song of Songs, an Old Testament book well known to the mystics. According to the interpretation generally held today, the poems contained in this book were originally love-songs, perhaps intended for a Jewish wedding feast and meant to exalt conjugal love. In this context it is highly instructive to note that in the course of the book two different Hebrew words are used to indicate “love”. First there is the word dodim, a plural form suggesting a love that is still insecure, indeterminate and searching. This comes to be replaced by the word ahabà, which the Greek version of the Old Testament translates with the similar-sounding agape, which, as we have seen, becomes the typical expression for the biblical notion of love. By contrast with an indeterminate, “searching” love, this word expresses the experience of a love which involves a real discovery of the other, moving beyond the selfish character that prevailed earlier. Love now becomes concern and care for the other. No longer is it self-seeking, a sinking in the intoxication of happiness; instead it seeks the good of the beloved: it becomes renunciation and it is ready, and even willing, for sacrifice."

Very culturally relevant and beautifully insightful. They don't become popes for nothing!

Marxism vs. Capitalism

2006-03-17T00:19:00.000+01:00

I admire marxism for being so naive. Quite contrary to capitalism, marxism is fragilly dependent on the ability of every individual to take responsibility of his/her community, to see the bigger picture and to contribute constructively. In other words, the idea of marxism is founded in a belief in the good in people.

However, man's inherent egocentrism, greed and lust makes marxism impossible! That is where capitalism comes in.

Taking full advantage of the downfallen humanity, the basic idea of capitalism is that man IS egocentric, greedy and lustful. Lusting after what one's neighbour has (the 10th commandment) is a basic premise for competition, which is in turn the basic premise for the functionality of the dynamics of a free market which is the basic premise for capitalism. Ergo, the basic dynamic of capitalism is greed/lust which ties in nicely with narcisism and egocentrism.

But can a firm still build on basic biblical principles when having to function in a world driven by greed?

common misconception of sin

2006-03-12T13:17:00.000+01:00

I've always been taught that we should repent and turn away from our sin(s), strive towards perfection and let ourselves be refined in the Refiners fire. And that is true. But what is this sin that we should turn away from? In my youth the answer was simple and obvious: wrong things we do. So life was about not doing wrong things.

I spoke to a friend recently about how this friend was struggling with sin whereto the person said, "I've just simply gotta stop [committing this sin]! I have to control my thoughts and my words!"

Now, this topic is in the grey zone as self-discipline is not to be cast out the window but what worries me is this misconception that we have to strive to do right (in our own might)! Its not like that, as a matter of fact, it was only when I stopped trying to be someone else that I found myself and was set free to find God and unburdened enough to meet others in honesty and building up good relations!

No, sin is a condition of the heart! Forget about the small things we do wrong everyday for a second. These wrong things are symptoms of your hearts condition. Don't deal with the leaves of the thistles, but dig to the root and cut away! Dig into your heart and find out who you love: God or yourself? If you love yourself you will do selfish things, place yourself above others in relations, stand on your rights, be proud and be heartless. If you love God you will reflect His set of morals and ethics without the strain of living a double life.

Thoughts of Thirst

2006-02-15T20:40:00.000+01:00

"As the hart panteth after the water brooks,
so panteth my soul after thee, O God.
My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God:
when shall I come and appear before God?"

Ps. 42:1,2

God has a way of haunting me. In YWAM [red. "Youth With A Mission" - an interdenominational short term mission organization, largely focused on youth also rumoured to be the second largest volunteer-based organisation after the Catholic Church] I learnt that I could 'in some way obtain very relevant verses of scripture by asking God if He had anything to say.' This time I flipped to this psalm.

Lately, I'm beginning to realise that my main and very central problem with God is (as expected, had I asked myself), me. Since I read Psalm 42 a couple of weeks ago I've been unsettled, drawing out time so as to avoid discomfort.

"If any man will come after me,
let him deny himself, and take up
his cross, and follow me."

Matt.16:24

Its this with the cross and the self-denial. Remarkable how humanism reacts allergically to self-denial (and so have I as of late..) but I am certain that the self-denial humanism condemns is another, unhealthy, kind of self-denial. Matt. 16:24 must be, I believe, also be read in context with, "Love your neighbour as yourself," which clearly stresses the need to love one self. Indeed, the self-denial asked for in the Bible is the exact same as that of the self-denial that is inevitable when it is in relation to love. Just notice all the people who proclaim that they would walk 500 miles and even love unto death on the FM waves.

So to summarise and clarify, I don't want the discomfort of denying myself, my lusts, my 'flesh.' I just don't want to!

But doesn't this lead onto another problem: my view of living in a way that is pleasing to God is merely a uncomfortable, perhaps painful, disciplinarily and morally motivated, dry and incredibly boring lifestyle? Its not, something keeps telling me, and I think its my immaturity making a scene of things. With 'age' must come a living for the greater picture and especially the greater picture which one's daily life tirelessly paints, yes, a lifestyle which is in accordance with the general direction of one's life. Its in this sense I refuse to believe that I'm not ageing!

The problem with this is when to make the transition to this pleasing life. Too soon, and I'm petrified of falling back into my old role with constantly trying to live up to a moral set of rules and regulations. Too late, and I'm a failure to myself and to those dependant on me.

I want it to come spontaneously and from the heart. (Wonderful cliché by the way..) I want to love God and let that be the reason for a righteous and generously self-sacrificial life. But how to start loving God?

Some time ago I wrote about surrounding myself with music and thinking of myself as a musician. Now I love music and am commited to it. I'm prepared to spend 16,000 on a guitar to let myself inspire! "Faith comes from hearing," and so, to some extent, does love.

"My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God:
When shall I come and appear before God?"
I feel my soul every day, thirsting, and to you who is prejudiced against faith in something outside the realm of the immediate: I have tasted and seen before and long for it again.

mark's initiative

2006-02-13T00:20:00.000+01:00

Mark Stewart has taken initiative! He has started a.. uhh.. yeah, what would you actually call it?! The main points are to meet in a pub downtown ca. once a month plus a website (forum) to join and use as a discussion forum but also, I guess, to create overview of who the invited people are and when we're meeting etc.

I commend him for the constructive nature of his initiative. For those of you who've followed the last couple of posts, you'll be aware of the waves riding high (for some of us) as pertains to relations to the church and I believe some of us, in moments of delusions, have thought insane thoughts of how to call attention to this (apparently) increasing 'category' of people who, within the church, are dissatisfied with the focus and the direction of the reigning 'christian' culture. Mark's initiative does not offend anyone, but constructively compensates for this frustration and is thereby brilliant in its diplomacy.

It excites me to have this opportunity to chill out (I would say that that is the most appropriate and accurately descriptive term to use) with adults who share my visions and dreams in religious and personally faith-related matters. In this forum I can share my frustrations and doubts and we can discuss it together. Invited are also several of the leaders of the church which is exciting as I haven't made a habit out of small-talking with the 'big shots.' In this regard, I must concede that my sister was right (with reference to the comments of the previous post) in that I probably - no, definetly have not gone to any leaders with my troubles with the church and have therefore passed up a chance to be constructive enough about this. -although venting in this forum has been healthy for me, personally.

But yeah, summa summarum: good job, Mark! [cheers]

the same frustrations from others

2006-01-27T02:40:00.000+01:00

I keep running into people, grown-ups who've grown up within the church, who say just the same as Mark Stewart, "Let's drop the church and meet down at Café Borgen and talk about what life is all about and how we should live it." I've just come from an hour-long conversation where the very same thing came from a different generation. So now I've heard it from teenagers, 20-23 year olds, 23-30 year old's and above. The one I talked to tonight said, "when they call people to the front for salvation, I feel like going too!" He named the names of about 12 people who meet because they are in the same boat! A thought popped into my head, that I've headed into a crisis that is apparently capable of lasting years, decades. Its a predicament, a frustration, and it makes me anxious, desperate! But what to do?

How many are we in this situation? How many just need to talk about this right now instead of being encouraged to 'come to the front?' Where is God in all of this and what is actually the root-problem to be adressed? Should we stand together in this or don't we wanna 'rock the boat?'

At least its inspired me to one of the most expressive songs I've ever written with a chorus that says, "I've heard that You are good / and I've heard that You are great / I've heard that You are mighty to save, mighty to save me today" I hope to play it one day and that it'll help someone else out there to see that they're not alone with this. Being alone with it is not a good thing.

Lyrics feedback, plz

2006-01-23T20:18:00.000+01:00

I just wrote a new song. Kinda a 15-minute-job, but I wanna have some feedback on these lyrics, please.. [smile] The two-line part is the chorus.

Everytime I see that face
I break down and cry
When the truth finally breaks
The seas they roar in those eyes

I knew how it felt to be free
Never a worry on my mind
Some say that ignorance is bliss
'Till there's no comfort left to find

Only in that love was I truly free
Only in those arms could I really be me

They told me love was my own thing
To do with as I pleased
That it was all in how I tried
All was good if it felt right to me

Ever an arbitrary truth
Fragments spread through time
An intermittent compromising truce
Never a clearly drawn confine

elements in life / control

2006-01-23T00:33:00.000+01:00

My life is comfortably simple right now - and I am hesitant to let anything disrupt it! My life before "now" was chaotic to say the least, wildly disorderly to say less. I have never before had the space that I do now (I own a 3-room flat, 68m² with my older brother and sister, both of which have since moved out resulting in my lone hibernation.) Not only physical space but also mental and emotional space. Why have I waited so long with settling into habits of maintaining the order of my surroundings thereby giving myself space to think and rest?

The simplicity is not only in space but also in elements. My life consists of few elements. Before I had school, the teen-group at church, the kid's group at church, music ("worship") at church, occasionally jobs, friends and family = 7 elements!
Now I have nothing to do with church, no friends, no school but I have gained myself and a job. Myself, job and family - oh, and this leaves place for creating music! [smile]

This sounds harsh, yes, I know. But nice. Simple. On top of this, I have pro-actively chosen (or approved) all the elements! Never before have I experienced this and its a wonderful feeling of being in control and actually choosing what I'm spending my time doing.

Can't wait to see what kind of chaos a re-entrance of God could possibly create! sheesh!

Revelation of Forgiveness

2006-01-13T01:16:00.000+01:00

"Forgive:
To cease to feel resentment against, on account
of wrong committed; to give up claim to requital
from or retribution upon (an offender); to
absolve; to pardon; --said of the person
offending."
-1913 Webster

Pain caused from maltreatment is a premise for forgiveness. And let us not be naive about the magnitude of the glory of the Decision to turn away from pain and a deep desire for revenge and to accept the nauseating injustice done to one's own flesh and soul. Neither are the emotions involved in this inner battle for the soul to be downplayed, as they can be likened to the powers of nature if one's body were the Earth. Wherefore the Decision is to be likened to the calming of a storm, the convincing of a flood to retreat and the dispersing of the winds of every hurricane: everything within the Earth is closely interrelated wherefore one must assume and retain control over every element within oneself to calm the many raging storms and to draw up again the lines for every wild drop of water in the floods.

Neither must the beauty of the Decision to relinquish one's right to revenge, the ensuing rainbow and the tranquility of great grassy plains drying in the sun, be forgotten. For in making this Decision one not only exonerates the Offender from the curse of the sin commited against oneself, one also frees one's own Earth from a curse of die-hard storms resulting from nature not being in equilibrium. It is fair to say that one holds the fate of two lives when faced with the Decision.

Another beauty, which is worthy of meditation, is how forgiveness enables closure in regards to the haunted memory of the Offender.

Mercy, people, and the appreciation of it, is beautiful.

Conversations in conflict

2006-01-03T23:36:00.000+01:00

I just had a thought but haven't the energy to think it through (formulating it always helps): is it not true that 90% of all conversations are based on disagreement? Meaning to say that if you talk to someone, you don't talk to them, you discuss something with them. Exceptions are introductions (telling about oneself) or teaching or expanding the other's horizon.

Maybe that's why I'm not good at talking to anyone past the pleasantries: I hate conflicts and I'd rather "nod and smile" my way out of them than in any way discuss something. I've tried to teach myself to be more adamant and clear headed in some point but its just spectacularly unbecoming to me.

Judge me, plz, is that good or bad (ethically, socially and professionally)?

What happened with me and the church?

2005-12-28T01:25:00.000+01:00

Mark Stewart commented on my post titled "My Faith - now" from the 7th, November the following:

" I have read this over and over and still do not understand what you mean by "but somehow I'm not able to get past the emotional hurdle of the Faith having been hugely discredited in me by my former church." "

I have in quite a number of conversations now been asked the question, "Ivan, what happened with you and the church?" Its a question I have only succeeded in answering somewhat with few people as it takes me ages and concentration, that I never have in public places, to answer. I need to formulate a coherent answer to it sometime, so here's a draft which is also a reply to Mark Stewart's comment:

Its quite unchartered area for me to describe as a large part of my issues with this specific church still remain unconscious and emotional. But to venture into it, I think it a very central factor how my faith was largely dependent on my social surroundings (as stated in the original post.) To this effect my faith dwindled when the social climate changed to my disadvantage - coupled and tripled with numerous other areas in which the church did not address the issues that I was struggling with, and when some of the issues did surface they were badly handled.

This is turning out very vague, isn't it? I think what I'm trying to say is that there was a lack of depth, or I just didn't encounter it. I was too busy leading worship and facilitating the youth to delve into both the spiritual realm and myself or to equip myself (or let myself be equipped) to handle life in- and outside the church. I guess you could say that my connection to God and myself wasn't maintained, wherefore I ran out of fuel. I neither knew who I was or who God was but instead I spent my time being distracted with moods (also in worship) and battling superficial sins.

In addition to this (or is it in relation to it?) I found myself stuck in a role in my relations to the youth group, in that I was always the irresponsible, late-coming, flirting guy you could safely get a laugh out of with a clever variatino of a "who're-you-flirting-with-now"-joke. And since I am no good for radical, life-changing spurts of personal growth, breaking out of this role was next to impossible - short of taking hour-long heart to heart talks with everyone there.

I also lacked rolemodels or a mentor. Questions about faith, love, application of faith, morality and ethics, theology, philosophy and mysticism (and the question of why there was never any victory in my heart, no swords and shields to brandish) were building up and I had no-one to turn to and no energy to read litterature about it. It seemed that all the sermons that I did hear (usually because I was leading worship in that service) had nothing to tell me about the abovementioned subjects and all the people around me hid their thoughts about it behind a thick coating of slightly varying adapted social etiquette. I don't remember having eye contact with anyone, much less did I spill my heart to anyone. All my input on existentialistic issues came from my school and my classmates - and you do (to an extent) believe what you hear!

So, based on the abovementioned, with reservations as I am not yet aware of all the factors that have come into play within me, I left into the 'real world' on my own with not much else than 2 friends and a family - not that that isn't much; they counted for a lot and still do!

Now, I am aware that the abovementioned bears alarming resemblance to the picture of a self-pitying, youthfully narcissistic ball of snot but I am painfully aware of many things I could and should have done differently to maintain myself on top of my activities and my responsibilities. I hope this is taken rather as an example of what can go wrong for people like me so that someone else might benefit from any increased perspective and understanding a reader has hopefully gleaned from my story.

In this way, I work on not hating (to ANY degree) the institution that is this church or anyone who attend it - I just don't go there because I still have a very bitter taste in me when I do go.

worrying about the aftermath

2005-12-26T17:04:00.000+01:00

In the aftermath of a battle, wherein one had to contend with not victory but an overall defeat, it is hard to know what to do with oneself. The time, until the next occasion for battle, seems unchallengably long, and so you find yourself warring your own defeated spirits until you decide to move on. This is my decision to move on. Nonetheless, the feelings do not evaporate instantly.

Nonsense! I will forget the defeat and wait upon my salvation which is expected within a couple of months. Until then, defeatism prevails in my inner man.

music is for me and I am for music - go, power ranger

2005-12-15T00:20:00.000+01:00

Behold! [Trumpets] I have decided (yet another decision, yeah, and the trumpets are outta tune too - nonetheless, give me a chance!) I have decided that I wanna be a music guy. (Thank you, Mayer) I wanna be about (with certain reservations) guitars, sounds, jazz players, riffs, modulations, music as a tool, me as a tool, tools in general (sidetracked already!) uhh.. yeah, strings, singing techniques, singers, genres, songwriters, lyrics, concerts etc etc etc...! But wait, there's more! (Its late (again) and I should be in bed (again))

I'll calm down now.. [smile] The thing is, I was talking to a friend the other day who got all worked up about imagining my future - a good one at that - but it freaked me out! I felt really old already and I realised that if I wanted to go anywhere serious, I'd have to strap on 'em boots and get on the field. I'm hyped about being proactive, a go-getter who sets his mind on something and runs like a bat outta hell.. -would fly, but the imagery's clear enuff.

Couple the abovementioned factor with my job at Café Borgen (which is going rather well, thank you for asking) where I'm (sorta) in charge and in control, ergo my being in charge of myself, and you'll be getting near what I am thinking now:

I wanna go the places I wanna go!

I was reading a book where the first chapter was all about how many people 'got stuck' in, par example, mediocre jobs with possibility for promotions but nothing in sight. Many times this is not due to lack of skill or ability but rather lack of drive, vision and overview. Don't you have to establish where you are, where you want to go and then go there? (rhetorical questions are cheap, yes) -Whereas many of us contend with where we are (whereever that is) and only make a dull move when its getting to be that time where people around us start to ask why we aren't pursuing an education or a trade (or woteva).

I just wanna be proactive and explore how far I can actually go (and prove to one or two that I can actually go friggin-far-farther-by-far than they'd thought of me!) [angry-fella-face]

So for now I've set my sights on guitar/singing/music and I'm gonna start being proactive about surrounding myself with sources of inspiration and spending my money on relevant stuff.. :)

nuked, frozen, flambé-pizza

2005-11-28T01:12:00.000+01:00

Today I was heating a frozen pizza in an industrial microwave oven in a youth club, when the oven started burning. Imagine running into a kitchen where you can't see a thing for the dense smoke except .5m flames licking out of the top of this oven.. I just stared at it for half a sec the grabbed what was nearby (tea towels), soaked them and threw them over. The other guy who was there found a fire extinguisher and we put it out - with blue powder from the extinguisher. After crawling out by the floor cos of the smoke, we had to clean the ENTIRE kitchen by washing EVERYTHING in there.. took 3 hours! pft - we should've ordered out!

Conviction plz

2005-11-09T15:06:00.000+01:00

I think what I need is conviction. One will not value any salvation or saving if you don't reckon you need to be saved. Another point I need to be clear on is that the point of Jesus' sacrifice was not to give me a nice life or improve my everyday financially. There it is.

My Faith - now

2005-11-07T15:12:00.000+01:00

Guess I'm back at the stage where I don't really know if I believe in God as much as I 'hope in God.' The sad fact is that I'm more expecting a social instance, that'll encourage me to believe in God, to get me believing more than I'm expecting 'it' to 'spring up from within'. Sad, yes, but I am very much dependant on the people around me - more than I'd like to readily admit. As is now, I still don't have anyone who does that for me but somehow I'm not able to get past the emotional hurdle of the Faith having been hugely discredited in me by my former church.

bvadr - nothing constructive

2005-11-02T16:07:00.000+01:00

My brother moved to Århus (nearby University-city, 2nd largest in Denmark) AND TOOK HIS COMPUTER WITH HIM.. sigh, yes so I'm without a comp now which is why I'm neglecting this blog.

I'm semi-depressed though - a week ago I got a job in Århus and yesterday I was fired.. well, it was a trial-week, so its not a huge blog, just depressing.. So now I'm back to no-job, no-activities, no-friends but now with added no-computer to console myself with.

And there's this girl... but I won't go into it. :)

Sooo... i dunno!

Cliché #1

2005-10-09T00:28:00.000+02:00

How many of you despise clichés? I did, in a desperate attempt to establish my own identity but can something become a cliché if it doesn't contain some degree of 'truth' or element that people can relate to - therefore, honour clichés! :)

That was just to legitimize the cliché, "feeling brokenhearted." I feel brokenhearted. Something is gone, something is missing. Something is not there..

"What is this thing called love?"

2005-09-24T23:42:00.000+02:00

When I was in Youth With a Mission in Perth, there lived a Canadian family under me. The father was a cheerful and sturdy mechanic with half a thumb missing who played guitar and sang a bit. The chorus of his favourite song went, "What is this thing called love / I know I've found it / It's in your eyes." This line has stuck with me for a long time, as long as I have wondered, what is this thing called love?

1. Corinthians 13 verses 4-8 seem promising when adressing the issue, in that it opens, "Love is..." promising a definition. Instead we are only given a description,

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud. It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."

So, for long I was frustrated with this 'answer' and, actually, disappointed with the Bible for its apparent failure in adressing my questions about so central a subject. Now, the following may not seem like much of a revelation to you but it was hugely liberating to me. I'll explain more about that lastly.

The point is that love cannot be captured entirely in words, much like a personality cannot, and thus it can merely be described.

This revelation unified two clichés that seemed before to be contradicting, that love is a choice and that love is a passion (yet another area in which logos and libido are at war). This unification was not as much logically as it was emotionally (/spiritually?) within me.
In any case I felt liberated as my feelings and thoughts had now been formulated into an understandable sentence: I was justified and free to say, "I love you, " knowing what it was meant to convey! [smile]

Campsite - remixing "Lines Intact"

2005-09-13T12:05:00.000+02:00

I'm sitting in a studio in Holland with Campsite and they're remixing their song, "Lines Intact" from their new album "names, dates & places." Objectively speaking, I can really recommend this, their debut album, which'll be released in Denmark in a couple of months. [grin]

Okay, I'm taking off now though. This is boring me.. But do say the word if ya'll want my hypothesis on What Love Is. hah

V8 turbo - touring version

2005-09-07T09:27:00.000+02:00

I got a call from a guy I know in Copenhagen who plays in a band (campsite). They're playing a load of concerts in Germany, Holland and here in Denmark in these coming times but only one of the bandmembers has a driver's license. So I was asked if I wanted to be the driver which I naturally accepted. So I'm leaving now and will be back the 18th Sep., hopefully with alot of good experiences behind me! [smile]

Very informative, aren't I? In other news, I've applied to about 20 kindergartens and a hotel and none of them want me.
On the musical front let's just say that someone's dangling a carrot in front of me and that I'll be running after it. [secretive snigger]

Contentment/happiness

2005-09-02T23:19:00.000+02:00

I have never valued friends as much as I do now - when I have none. The only one I actually do have is leaving in a week, so I'm getting used to the idea of not having anyone.

A year ago I had so many people calling me that I didn't want anymore friends and hadn't the energy to talk to anyone, but now I have no-one to call on a day where I have nothing on my schedule. The only thing to do is to get a job, make money and specialize.

In these times of overflowing welfare one has to specialize to become anything (or so one is led to believe). All the pompous artists and other communication medias proclaim their adventures of the high life casting shadows on the 'normal' ways of life: a solid family, a regular house, a decent car and a hobby to compensate for whatever the day-job lacks. But it is excactly because the high-livers, the spenders, live out the lifestyle that is a necessity for their success, a loud one, that we are never directly told of the joys of simple living (as all the ones living simply aren't loud about it.) Now, in the light of all this: what is happiness?

I think the (humanistic) answer is 'home.' Yes, being at home in the company of a friend (if you're lucky it's a circle of friends), raising your children healthily and loving your spouse. This is the peak of civilisation, what our forefathers fought for in WWI and II (no, I won't turn this on the war on the Middle East).

[I'm not ready to propose a spiritual answer, no]

Installing GPS

2005-08-21T12:27:00.000+02:00

Quiet is a very fragile thing as you can't protect it without first destroying it. Like when you're sleeping, you're woken up by someone (insensitive) and you just can't escape back into blissful sleep until you've been furious, yelled at The Insensitive One and once again calmed yourself down. I guess you can only protect your quiet by taking preventive measures. I'm saying this because, having returned to Denmark I find myself increasingly caught up in a jumble of activities again and losing one of the things I didn't really realise I had in France: quiet. I've never realised how important it is to take time to stay home, turn off the music (and the cell-phone) and just let yourself calm down. I've never before realised what it means to 'lose yourself' and the refreshing experience of 'letting yourself catch up.' (There's a great phrase for it in Danish)

This ties in with the tentative issue of identity, how I've never felt sure of myself which reflected in how I conversed with people. I know I've been a good entertainer but when it came to making a point that's even mildly controversial, I found myself blocking up, avoiding eye-contact and agreeing all to readily with which ever point anyone else was making. Now, having 'come in contact with myself', (this is beginning to sound more and more like 'TV-shoppen') I am more assured of what I am, what I think and what I believe. Fantastic, that! ;)

But yes, I'm back in Denmark and am glad to be so. My plans now are to get a job until February when I'll start in the army for four months after which I'll have time to complete a bachelor's degree in something before applying for the Police Academy. [smile] Sounds very tidy, doesn't it?`

Marauder

2005-08-11T15:57:00.000+02:00

I went 'power shopping' today simply because I was bored. Anyway, bought a really nice navy sweater and a DVD plus a CD for the Arab who's been carting me around. He's also proposed to drive me to the airport tomorrow which is a huuuge relief as I had no way of getting there as things were. Well there is a shuttle bus from the main train station, but to get to that I'd be taking one bus and the metro in a disjointed connect-way before the sun rose with 5 big pieces of luggage.

Wait, I haven't written it yet, have I? *laughs* Uhh, yesterday I bought a plane ticket home. Yeah, my parents had already bought one for me for the 23rd August but I didn't wanna wait that long. (No, can't refund my parents' ticket but I'll pay them back.) There are of course several reasons for this rather radical course of action: I feel like I'm wasting my time here now that the learning of the language has been obstructed, I'm working for around kr. 35/hour in the restaurant and I miss ppl back home (which is unusual for me!). The plane ticket (checking in tomorrow at 7am arriving in Billund, Dk, 1140 with a stop-over in Paris) cost 150 euros.

More to write? Yeah, sorry for the mood of this post but I'm reeeally tired cos I got up early (11am) this morning to start packing.

Anyway, I'll be going to Skywalk tomorrow evening and be starting on the soccer team again Wednesday! ahhah Actually it feels really good to have taken matters into my own hands. Taking responsibility, I call it. And no, I don't feel like I've 'quit' or backed down/given up etc. but this is no life to live down here. The Danes I went out with last night actually backed me up saying, "It's ruined, young men who emerge after having lived with Jose for too long!" coupled with many stories of others who've lived there.

Neway, I'm off to pack again! ;)

PS. Suzuki Marauder 850cc - niiiice...

Ivan Nielsen's invitation

2005-08-09T05:36:00.000+02:00

why does this keep appearing (some invitation of a kind)?! kind of annoying that I am apparantly inviting everyone in the world to join sms.ac on my account! Ignore it! Boykot them!

neways, yesterday was a good day. I called home to Dk for 2 hours and some more and went to work where I worked like I've never worked before. Also, two Danes came to the restaurant, one of them, Anni, a girl that's worked here a couple of years ago. Her reputation is crazy, "She worked for four ppl at once," "the only girl to be offered a contract straigt off.." She said that the story seems to grow every year! Haha.. Anyway, I'm going out with her and her boyfriend *forgot name...* tonight after work.

I'm trying to change my "non-refundable/no chgs" airticket so I can go home sooner. Hah, fat chance it'll work!

What's this with Canada trying to steal Hans Island off us?! Don't they have enuff vast untouched territory in Alaska already?? Where will us 5 mill Danes go when all the ice has melted due to global warming and our flat, flat country's under water besides Hans Island and the Faroe Islands?

Please, Air France, Pleeeeease can I change my ticket! I'll only be travelling one-way anyway, so you get a free seat that I've paid for and you can charge someone else for that seat too!

Melodramatic depression

2005-08-09T00:23:00.000+02:00

"Sun is shining - the weather is bright.." are the lyrics currently running through my head; lyrics that describe a situation that stands in stark contrast to my current state of mind. Fact is, if I could change my ticket home to tomorrow, I would. Without hesitation!

It's not so much that things here aren't bright and gay (well, they are gay, but that's a whole different story) but rather that the knowledge that I'm going home soon is corrupting my work attitude and my attitude towards this... this place! All I can see is the beauty of the Danish flag and culture. Heaven IS a place on earth, ppl, believe me! haha

I'll leave out all the problems at work (social, school-yard, unavoidable problems).

At home my brother's been accepted into the medical faculty in Aarhus, I've been drafted for the army (which I have applied for - good thing), my apartment in Randers has practically been rented out to an elderly couple and my dad's got a new job! Ergo, everything is sunny in rainy Denmark and everything is drab in sunny Marseille. Haha.. No, I'm a bit too melodramatic, sorry. Take what I've written and divide it in half and you have the situation.

Dogged Friendships

2005-08-01T17:57:00.000+02:00

I've been thinking an awful lot about friendships in the last year, ever since I realised that I wasn't very good at it. What is a friendship and what purpose does it actually serve? I have gained good friends up till now, but I needed a formulated explanation to this riddle. I think the simple explanation came to me the other day, as I was drying glasses in the restaurant and thinking of home, that it is with friendships as with homes: its the familiarity. In your home you are comfortably able to be yourself without censorship of your manners as when you are a guest in someone else's home. This is what makes homes so safe! With good friends you are also comfortably able to be yourself without censorship of your manners as when you are with strangers. This is what makes friends so safe! Good friends, I believe, will also help you grow as a person in the form of inspiration and love. -okay, this is beginning to sound more and more obtuse.

Point is that its been a long while since I've felt at home/with friends and I value it all the more following the saying, that 'you don't know what you've got till its gone.' I've started missing the strangest people, people that I didn't even have much to do with before I left!

I went to church last Sunday, but it was holiday and there were around 30 people. As you might remember, I found this church by talking to an outreach team that was having a worship meeting on the street across from my restaurant. I talked to one of them, Bruce, and he gave me the address. Calling him Saturday evening he told me he was leaving for the States so he wouldn't be coming to church the next day and that I should talk to Jean-Paul there. I showed up Sunday morning and was meekly welcomed by one or two smiles and I sat down near the back. The meeting, all in French, was what one knows from evangelistic churches. The youth were yawning, the speaker earnest and the worship manned by 14 year-olds compelled by their mothers. Anyway, after the meeting I wound up talking to a law student who teaches all the American evangelists, who come long-term, French. He was no great socialiser and had no time to take on the responsibility of hosting me, so after talking for a bit the conversation was politely ended:
law student (LS) "So, what will you be doing now? -going home?"
me "well, I was supposed to speak to Jean Paul but I can't see him anywhere.."
LS "No, he's a very busy man. Well, I have things to do. I know of an English church where you might fit in better if you give me your e-mail address I will try and get you in touch with them."
me (slightly surprised at being brushed off and redirected) "Oh, uhh.. yeah, sure!"
LS "Okay, well bye bye."

Hmm.. Bruce had pushed up my hopes the day before by saying that Jean-Paul, a half vietnamese, would most probably invite me for lunch (and offer me hospitable familiarity) so I was quite disappointed. Ah well, I'll try to get in touch with the English church and hopefully find someone whom I can actually communicate with. I'm getting frustrated with broken English or French. I want to speak normally, dangit! You really don't know what you've got till it's gone! But what I do know more and more is how hesitant and over-sensitively reactive I've become about churches. It doesn't take much to tick me off and any carelesness with rituals or cliches instantly get under my skin. Fascinating! ;)

I've started fantasizing about home already and as a result started pondering where to get a job. I'm starting in the army from February but until then I have nothing. I've lent a hand to the YWAM base in Moerke with felling fallen trees (from the storm), and as I understand it, there are many places with fallen trees left. I could work as a forester! Anybody with contacts? I think I need some hard work that'll keep me moving and where I can also see results with my work!

The dog's lying beside me and is beginning to take more to me than Jose. (I have a way with animals.. ;) A week ago I noticed what seemed to be a tick on its neck and I told Jose about it. Dunno what he's done about it but now the dog's scratced itself raw in the neck so I suppose Jose didn't really do much about it. The hole in the skin's about half the size of my palm of my hand and looks quite brutal. The dog's growing on my but I'll be glad to leave him behind!

I've gotten a bike! -a truly French bike: none of the screws are tightened properly, the chain has never seen oil and the wheels have only just enough air in them to keep the rims off the pavement. Nobody has a pump and nobody has tools. sigh I'm heading past the local car repair shop to see what I can borrow. The only priority with the bike is the chain which'd tie up an elephant and a lock that's the perfect weight for throwing.

My French is progressing though as I've started throwing around the most basic phrases without hesitation and have stopped translating everything and started thinking in French. Its quite exciting and its the only thing that makes me wish I could stay until January..

Oh well! Despite all this I am okay and my only problems have to do with longing for Denmark. So I am quite well! heh

The Firing - Complete Melodramatic Rendering of That Which Has Passed

2005-07-27T02:49:00.000+02:00

I've gotten hold of a bike! No, wait, other news first..

I'm going (and staying) home the 23rd of August! Yeah, shock.. Thing is, 2 nights ago José told me that the owner of the restaurant had decided that the restaurant would be closed for renovation from September and 3-4 months forth. My older sister's getting married the 26th of August which I've already gotten the ticket for and so José told me that there'd be no point in coming back as there'd be no work for me. So just when I thought I'd have to build character by sticking it out here I was salvaged by Circumstance. Well, my feelings are ambivalent but I'll keep the good ones in mind.

The bike: Mustafa, the dish-washer at the restaurant whom I will always remember for aggressively looking me in the eyes while asking: "Tu aime respect?" ["You love respect?"], apparently has one that he doesn't put to much use. He says he'll lend it to me tomorrow but, with the same intensity as before, turned friskly from smile to aggression: "Mais, achtung!" ["But, achtung!"] I didn't know whether to laugh or whimper. In any case I succeeded in convincing him that I'd take good care of it.

I think I'll go busking tomorrow. I need to get hold of something to sit on, a small chair of sorts. I'll figure something out. Tips for today was a whopping 11 euros and I've rounded page 1000 in Vikram Seth's magical universe.

Another pastime of mine is poetry. I've realised I'm not passionate enough about this or else I just need to get into some more poetry.. Its for my song-writing. Melodies and chords come easy to me but lyrics are a whole other game. I don't wanna end up writing melancholic "she left me please come back can't live without you"-songs, but songs which will have a social and cultural impact. It shouldn't be so hard, should it? hah

Vinoth Ramachandra has written a book. Yeah, several, but he gave me this one book before he left: "Gods that Fail." Fantastic to read his view on Marx, Freud and Hegel, creation/evolution and his commentary on Job amongst other topics. Much of it was written seperately to students in Asia but he later collected it for a book: excactly what I've been looking for! But if you decide to pick it up you'd do well to keep a dictionary with you and take notes etc., cos it ain't easy reading! I'm beginning to like Indian writers: they're well-educated and as a result they have a huge vocabulary, they are prone to better human understanding and they don't seem to be entrenched in a certain view from birth / open-minded.

On the Danish front, we've decided to let Poul fix up the apartment ('let'? hmm) and then we'll rent it out. I should be home to lend a hand which I'm excited about doing. I'm equally excited about lending my dad a hand with his house which is something I, at large, failed to do while I was still at home. I was just too busy all the time and never set off days to do it. Should've..

Found a beautiful music store selling only classical music, jazz and world music. Who could've imagined better?! I tried buying a CD but to my dismay my VISA card didn't was rejected. I'll have to get in touch with my bank about it.

Okay, taking off! I've turned to writing some wierd stuff on here! Sorry, folks. ;)

Vikram Seth wannabe, me

2005-07-25T15:31:00.000+02:00

(Note written the day after: This post is long, tiring and not really worth reading. Brace yourself with patience in the face of resounding trivialities if you set out on this long journey. Now you are warned. I might also add that the discussion in "Comments" to the post "My Faith" is growing increasingly engaging. Do you have anything to add?)

-------

Sorry for neglecting you, blog, and you who might be following too of course. I realise that its not a good way to hold an audience but I have actually been doing stuff! Yeah, so its a good thing..

There's a new/old guy at the restaurant, Sascha, (spelling?) a Croatian who lives and studies here with his Japanese wife, Megumi (name which I remember 'cos its coincidentally the name of my half-Japanese cousin in Singapore..) He's a good bloke, very intense when he speaks of anything and he is like clockwork in explaining to me everyday how, "this place is f*cked up." [laughs] Nevertheless we get on quite well and have been talking about everything from international economy and politics and religion to religious multinational coorporations in the chocolate industry including their historical role in the abolition of slavery - in English! ;) I wouldn't get nearly as far in French (although I can feel/see/hear/sense some progress.) Actually, being in this position of a learner of such a basic necessity as the local language is quite eye-opening.

[red. This is a very superfluous paragraph. Don't read it!] I learned in my first year of 'highschool' in Denmark that I was actually quite intolerantly selfish, globally speaking. It happened as my history teacher was lecturing on globalization, painting the picture of material wealth being gradually distributed more evenly, whereto she pointed out that it didn't just mean the 3rd world countries improving their standards of living, but also the western countries having to decrease our standard of living, which probably meant that Denmark couldn't go on being the island of welfare that it was, she went on to explain. My immediate reaction was one of honest shock! "Did this mean that within my lifetime... my kids might not get the same benefits and securities that I have been taking for granted?!" My secondary reaction was also shock, but this time it was shock at my first reaction of shock. Was I really that selfish that I honestly resented the thought of evening out the goods? I have strained to change which has also helped mainly under the heavy, although short, influence of Vinoth Ramachandran (Indian professor who doesn't waste money on new clothes but wears 2nd hand to save money and increase possibilities of influence. Has a Danish wife which obligates them to be here once in a while.)

Where was I? Oh, it was the word 'intolerance' that brought on the previous paragraph! I should have started on about my previous intolerance with others who I have come across who have been in my current position: learner of the basics. So the whole intolerance thing is about how I realise that I've looked down on such people because of their inability to show signs of meaningful intellect. Now the tables have turned and I am speaking like a child - a 4-5 year old - and how are people then to respect me as a thinking person! -Which they don't but I don't blame them. What I'm saying is that I'm a nuisance to be or have around and that's just the way it is. "Inevitability." I'm not depressed about it though. :)

In fact I'm quite happy these days! I've got my future planned (the next 7½ years in terms of education), and I am progressing on a personal level: 'enlightenment/scepticism/responsibility', musically (have just started meditating on Arabic scales, sounds and rhythms) and… well, other areas! ;)

In other news I'm looking forward to my first paycheck at the end of the month! I'm in a dilemma though: tax to Dk. I don't know much about the tax system (and amazingly enough, the government hasn't produced one, gathered, extensive yet logically arranged, self-education media like a book or even a CD-ROM or interactive webpage, to help along us young people who learn by gathering tid-bits of info here and there. I mean, why don't we learn about it in the school which is purposed to equip us with a basic but extensive education focused around our country and our system!) and I am wondering whether I should save 48% to pay to the guv sometime next year?

Now we're at my money affairs I may have picked up another job in the mornings. It's gardening with Sascha for his Jewish landlord. I don't know much about it 'cept its in the daytime, where I'm certainly not doing anything and it would be good for me to get out more before my nights and days are completely reversed!

I'm long-winded, I know, but I have 2 very good reasons. 1) I'm (still) reading "A Suitable Boy" by Vikram Seth which is a whopping 1474 pages! I'm a good 3rd way through and when you consider that its merely about a 19 year old girl, Lata, who's caught between an arranged marriage and a more modern way of going about things interspersed with a lighter version of the tales of 4 other family trees, only sometimes connecting, you might get an idea of how long-winded it actually is. You have to remind yourself that you're not reading it to finish it, but actually to read it! 2) I'm writing this on José, my hosts, computer at home. Turns out he has one in his room that he'll let me use which'll undoubtedly save me money at the internet café. Found another trick to save money as well:

Sascha, having quite a number of international friends himself, gave me a number which'll enable me to call any country at local Marseilleise rates! Crazy but true! I don't know who's providing a service like this but I know it works. So mom'n'dad I'll be calling home now! ;) Yay

Uhh… is that actually it? This must be the longest post I've ever written!

No, haha, church! 3 nights ago, across the street from the restaurant, I noticed a modest crowd gathered around some commotion and I lingered at the entrance in curiousity. I then saw that it was amateur dancing going on and I chuckled inwardly as I soon enough recognised the all too familiar tactics of a regular evangelistic street performance:
eye-catcher/ice breaker >
short but sweet introduction >
another item (dance/drama) >
testimony of how Jesus has changed a life (maximum of 3 minutes, preferably with reference to the previous dance/drama) >
main drama that should convey the gospel >
preaching of the gospel with heavy reference to the previous drama >
CD or other music to keep people hanging around while the evangelists (who have been observing individuals in the crowd) approach people to pose the question in a one-on-one setting.
Some people get scared or appaled when they learn that there have been developed techniques to such personal matters, but on the other hand it would be intent and sheer stupidity if techniques were not implemented to optimize results.
Anyway, point is that I, 2 years ago, was with one such team in Budapest where my role in the programme was the "CD or other music to keep people hangning around" where I played with band. So they'd set up a band workshop where we could work on the songs in an intense atmosphere with other, more seasoned, musicians there to assist us and produce the good sound. One of these "more seasoned musicians" was Bruno, an educated nurse who lived in Marseille. We hit it off quite well, no doubt because of his patience with my obsession with the French language, but it ended in him giving me an open invitation to come experience the country itself. Now I have come but without being able to contact him so we could meet up (and I could get some friends!) So I approached the group guessing that they would have some connection to him and sure enough, there was a Danish guy among them, Anders from AMC (name of church) in Aalborg, who excitedly told me that he knew Bruno. So I passed him a note with my name and email addy, and asked if he could give it to Bruno together with a greeting from me. Of course he could and further volunteered information about Bruno going to Malaga this week where alot of my friends and acquaintances from home are going. I put on a wide-eyed expression and excused myself as I had to get back to work.
Then 2 nights ago I looked and there again was another christian, evangelisation tactic unfolding: worship in the heart of the city (for spiritual effect and proclamatory impact on everyone involved.) This time it was easy to see, that it wasn't the same organisation as the night before but probably a local church or even coalition of churches (if they were big enough to see past their detrimental differences.) I approached and my intricate knowledge of these things was confirmed: a coalition. I talked to Bruce, presumably American, who lives here in Marseille and is a regular in a church that's only 15 minutes from my apartment. Not bad! I intended to attend the morning service yesterday but overslept classically. I will go next week to check it out (for wisdom.)

Okay, this is actually it! ;) Amazed with those who've held on for this long!

contract

2005-07-20T17:40:00.000+02:00

This'll be quick 'cos I have work in 15 mins..

Good song line:
"There's a flag wrapped around a score of men."

A girl from my school, Lise Fischer (that's the girl, not the school), is coming to visit me tomorrow! She's holidaying with some family here in southern france and sms'ed me if she could come visit. At the same time, I found out that my weekly day off is Thursday.. haha, no I'm not into clear comunication and organisation.

The restaurant's breaking up. More and more people are having it out with the manager and it's all cos of lack of communication. See, when the manager has a problem with somebody's attitude he waits until its gotten the better of him and the starts yelling incomprehensible phrases with the same words seeming spread randomly throughout: planning, respect, 'not a bordel', discipline, fun'n'games. I wish I could say something (seeing as how I live with the guy, it might give me the opportunity to be diplomatic) but there's this wall of china/communication barrier. The other day he started yelling at me too, cos I was washing the glasses before the evening was over (the kitchen was full of glasses) because the washer's set out. I told him (not yelled, no) that I had too, wherefore the others had to help out with the desserts - my duties had been increased and the others do have spare time. He didn't stop to listen (typical French way of discussing) and started yelling at everyone else. Everyone's getting fed up and it's not good. My dad just bought me a plane ticket home for my sister's wedding in August, and I'm tempted to just stay home! No contract remember..

Okay, taking off! :)

lover->porsche = employee->bicycle

2005-07-13T13:43:00.000+02:00

2 of the best waiters left during a row with the manager and the head-waiter. Well, that they were '2 of the best' is, of course, no absolute but they were 2 of the 3 that were most welcoming to me when I started a week ago! It was quite wild actually, seeing how everyone's voices just gradually raised until they were screaming at each others and the two picked up their stuff and walked off. My next thought was: "how're we gonna make it through the evening?!' Somehow it worked out. That was 3 nights ago. Last night, we had a new girl start and the boss wasn't entirely pleased with her effort. Last night was also the first night that I was left to myself in the bar at the back to refill water, prepare alot of the meals, mix drinks, make desserts and wash glasses (the washer's broken.. sigh) and it worked out. I think it was largely due to the psychological effect of not being the newbie anymore. Made me think more independently and effectively... sigh, my life is a farce! haha I'm too shallow sometimes, but the worst part is my awareness of it.

Found the beach yesterday. Small, but nice! It's 20 minutes walk away.. I'm walking too much! I've walked 45 minutes to get to this café! I'm gonna try and make the owner of the restaurant buy me a bike.. It shouldn't be too hard! He just bought his lover a Porsche! -and since I'm only an employee, that should be in ratio with lover->porsche equals employee->bike, right?

I've stopped smelling the dog.. horror of all horrors, yes.

Thanks Anne, for reading and commenting. You others should do the same (mainly my parents and siblings! ;)

I think I just might stop writing the nonsense about my job, cos I don't think anyone's really into it.

My Faith

2005-07-09T17:37:00.000+02:00

[this post is not travel-related.. well, not travel in the geographical sense!]

I think I've made up my mind. As some of you know, my 'highschool' time flung me into a search-for-truth-from-an-objective-point-of-view period and although I'll admit, that my search hasn't been extensive (lasting, what, ½ year when there are those who spend their entire lives!) I think I've got the basic drift that the modern lifestyle, in what has been a toss-up between Christianity and modernity or whatever you wanna call it, only has relativism and a shallow perception, that there is no truth and if there is then its definetly without consequence for how I should live my life. The moral that comes from some vague pantheistic idea of the supernatural seems to me hypocritical and unfounded, assuming that the individual, on the basis of a sense of responsibility for all of humanity, should in all things do what is best for the world, when the best for the world, would be that I sold all I had, gave it to the poor and became a christian missionary. Hmm.. haha, I think I'm biased, but what the heck?!

Now, I'd like a discussion about this if anyone is up to it! ...please? ;)

Lost Da Vinci dog frustrating Sofie and Anja w/out money or contract

2005-07-07T15:22:00.000+02:00

Goodness, time moves slow here!

Lost

Sofie og Anja

Money / contract

Dog hair

Da Vinci code

Comunication barrier frustration / pad and pencil

There - those are the things I'm planning on writing about today. If I don't write 'em down now, I'll forget 'em and this post will be as void of information as the last, and we don't want that happening now do we?! :)

Now, where was I? Oh, "Goodness, time moves slow here!" I feel like I've been here 3 weeks already when in reality it's only been.. been.. uhh.. How long's it been? 3 days?! sigh I miss the familiarity of home. I miss a familiar, daily routine where I know what to expect of people - where I actually have friends! -or just know my way around town! Take last nite for example:

We close up the restaurant around 1 am after having outwaited the last customers, drunk the wine in the bottles that are left and cleaned the place. Normally (if there is such a thing yet) I'd take a cab home with Jose and the napkins to be washed, but tonight the two waitresses ask if I'd like to go have a bite to eat and a drink with them. 'Course I say yes and we head off. Around 2.30 am the bar closes (there was nothing else on a week night) and I start walking home. One of the waitresses, Corali, lives in my direction so we walk off together. No, don't worry mom, the waitresses are 30 and 25! ;) Now, Marseille is apparently known in France as a dangerous city - especially at night - so I'm quite aware of my surroundings when walking 'cept I dont know my way around. My landmark is a big old church that's on the definitive hill-top of all hill-tops!. If you check out this pic and notice the outermost black iron gate in the bottom left hand corner, that's where I climbed the gate after scaling the 50m high sheer rock face that you can't see on the pic but that's in front of the gate.. in my black slippers and new white shirt that I use for waitering. Thing is, I knew my block was north of the church, but I'd apparently come around the south side and seeing how the roads going arooound the church were pretty freaking long, I decided to go over the mountain. I get to the top thinking more and more about snakes as I had to go through loads and loads of bushes to get around the locked, video surveyed church lot that was only open to 8 pm in the summer, 7.30pm in winter. Point is, that I got home sometime around 3.15-3.30am and had to walk Jose's dog. sigh c'est la vie, non?! Now, pity me and send me gold and myrrha! hehe No, I must admit that I thought it was fun and the walk/climb/trek was worth the joy of seeing Rue Jules Moulet where I live!

So that was all about being lost. The other alienating factor is the lack of friends that I can communicate with. Jose keeps scolding the others when the start speaking English to me at the restaurant, but I just wrote with 2 girls from my gymnasie class, Sofie and Anja, who've arrived to work in Toulon, 52 km's away by the freeway. They'll be here all summer, and I can't wait to meet up with them to speak a language I can actually express myself in! I've bought a really chic pad at the local newspaper story for 1.50 euros and it's beautiful! :) Fits in my pocket, perfect line spacing, casually serious front, perforated paper to allow easy ripping, even perfect thickness! Makes me sick to think that I've made do this long without one of those! Neways, I took down 5 solid pages of unkown words during the first day. haha, overwhelming, yeah.

About the money and contract heading it's just that I'm worried. We divide up the tips at the end of each day but that's all I've seen to do with formalities so far. I asked Jose if there was a contract I had to sign, he nodded and went on doing other stuff. I don't know.

Next header.. what was it? Oh yeah, dog hair! The dog in the apartment's a mess! Its my first time living with a dog, and my previous statements about NEVER GETTING A DOG have only been confirmed: I'M NEVER GETTING A DOG! You get home like last nite and you feel like your limbs are about to implode or explode or woteva, and you've got this beast of the wild jumping up and down you, like a child caught in a beasts body. Its uncivilised through and through and you have its filthy hair and its filthy smell riddling every inch of your body, clothes, bed, hair wax/gel, stacks of paper, wallet, socks, shoes - even your CD's are infiltrated! Garh! So I escape into a fictitious world where you don't have a dog, you never go to the toilet and you're immortal: the Da Vinci Code.

I finished it within 18 hours of starting it and walked the dog twice and had one 8 hour shift. T'was true and unmasked escapism! heh Beautiful! Now the book had a fantastic plot, but the translation (to Danish - it was all there was) was lame, outdated and riddled with spelling and marking errors. That just ticks me off, but hey. As for the conceited attack on religion, if Dan Brown had ever intended for it to be factual, which I seriously doubt were it not for the humanistic altar-call that is the moral point, then I don't give. Its pretentious and full of holes. But but but, let's not get caught up in that discussion and just let a story be a story: its beautiful fiction!

Was that really it?! Oh well, any questions? If I'm missing someone? Yeah, Filip and Michelle. Dang, when we pulled away from them in the parking lot in Dk I fiercely fighting back tears that they thoroughly deserve. I can't imagine the last 3 years without those two and now the era of their sweetening my everyday with casual, familiar love is over and I only hope that I can create something just half as beautiful in the years to come. I think I just may be happy then! So if you're reading this, Flip and Chelle, thanks again. I've said it before, and at the risk of being waaay to sentimental, I've just said it again.

But does this mean that other people haven't been important to me? Absolutely not! I know its foolish to start listing your friends in priority publicly, but it's done. ML, I'm writing you now! :) No, wait I don't have your email address!!! Dit moi!

Working apres la premiere jour

2005-07-04T17:08:00.000+02:00

Yeah, so I had my first day at the restaurant yesterday and it was loads of fun! The other waiters and waitresses (only 4) are great and they know how to have a good time while working. As well they were very welcoming and insisting on speaking French to (not really 'with') me which of course is a necessary evil in order to learn the dangin language. It sounds cool but the problem with it is, that the pronounciation is nowhere near the spelling, and I'm quite dependent on visualizing the word, when it's said in order to understand it, so.. Its only a minor hiccup though - no biggie. Oh yeah, tips from the first night: 10 euros 75 cents.

Saturday night was crazy though as it was the last night with my parents. In the morning we'd checked in at the place I'm staying which is with one of the two managers of the Restaurant: Jose. Anyway, he invited us as a family to come eat at the restaurant which we of course did. After a hearty hearty dinner (the bill came up to around 100 euros!) my parents had to take off to their highway hotel real fast. So we went to the car, said our goodbye's whereafter they got in, and took off. Now that must have been my single most lonely moment in my life. I was standing with the clothes on my back in a city of which I didn't speak the language, and was going 'home' to a man, with whom I couldn't communicate. Let me tell you that all of my previous naive optimism left me in that moment. I trotted off to the apartment, got into the foreign bed with the strange dog still trying to hump my leg when I got in the door and dozed off to sleep. Man...

Okay, it's a bit melodramatic, but I really did feel like I was utterly alone! I had the thought walking home sat nite that now I was really on my own now. Exciting having to be alone and your life is a job which you can not fail cos you live with the boss! I think I need this lesson in responsibility. My dad kept repeating a mantra at me in the last 48 hours:

"Be responsible,
Think ahead,
Innovate."

-and I think I will!

Oh well, I gotta take off. Gotta be at work in half an hour and there's a guy I wanna find on the net here. His name's Bruno and I know him from a summer camp a year ago in Budapest. He lives here in Marseille and invited me to come visit him.. Think I will, if I can find him!

Oh yeah, if anyone wants to send me stuff my address is:

c/o Ferrer
102 Rue Jules Moulet
13006 Marseille

In Antibes - Southern France

2005-06-30T14:51:00.000+02:00

I'm here / en France.

I've just written long emails, so my writing wont be inspired. Just to get the trivial details out of the way: it's averaging 30+ degrees here and it's humid so I'm spending alot of time reading Hærværk at the ground floor pool. At night I go sk*nny dipping at the pool on the top of my hotel - haha.. never done that before, but it's hysterical fun. Oh yeah, trivial stuff, Ivan: we've been to visit both Saint Tropez, Port Grimaud, Nice and Monaco. All lots of fun, but not hysterical. I'm having a good time applauding myself at my success with NOT appearing to be a tourist.

My life is in many ways parallel to that of Ole Jastrau, the main character in that book, Hærværk, and then in many ways not. The search for the innermost of my one's own being and eternity is in any case parallel. Read it and share my joy!

Ach, this cafe's quite probably the most expensive one I've ever set foot in, so I must end if I wanna get that beer after this! But get your own blog, and share it with me! smile do it now at blogger.com, kay?

Shame vs Love

2005-06-21T00:44:00.000+02:00

I think it was the shame. The shame was the hardest to handle. The christian walk had come down to my continual striving to become a better person, which - of course - was doomed to fail. I think of such scriptures as: "Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit." I have no idea what context it was in, but I'm sure any pastor ('cept Grosbøll) would tell me that it applied to this quest for human perfection: "The Great Paradox - Episode 1-11 (on sale as vhs and dvd)," so I'll accept that thought for now.

Another scripture: [the one about how 'my yoke is light.'] Why have I never had this promise realised in my life?

I'm a scatterbrain right now, but the conclusion that I can't get to is this: in the past, I have been motivated by shame to become a 'better' person. As well as schizophrenia this lifestyle was headed for failure. What then do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Here's where I want to go: I want to love God, others and myself, and as a consequence of this, I will become what is commonly known as a 'better person.' However, shame and self-loathing will not be my fuel and vain glory and self-exultation will not be my goal. Love will be my fuel and goal - my one and all!

The Great Mystery - take1

2005-06-13T02:34:00.000+02:00

Now, here's the jist of my existential crisis:

Having grown up in a Christian home/environment I'm predisposed to favouring the Christian philosophy, however, may I quickly object, this does not rule out my sane judgement (which enables me to possess the wisdom that everyone else should adopt, you see... ;) with which I have deemed Christianity, according to the canonised Bible of 300-some A.D. and faith-wise independent of modern churchy trends, to be a very, very healthy way of life on all planes of life: physically (bite me), mentally, spiritually, politically, economically, environmentally and so on and so forth. But! Is it true? (Don't talk to me about evolution as being vs. creation thereby nullifying anything and everything you won't tolerate.)

On the matter of truth, a Beautifully Satisfying Absolute, things start to haze up. Here many object only to lecture on relativism post-fall-of-the-absolutes but however appealing this no-strings, no-commitments, I'm-the-boss-of-me -escape may sound, it is often grounded in just that: escapism.

But then what? Post-modern relativism certainly does not ring true but that's excactly the beauty of it, isn't it?! It's not supposed to be true? But then consider the detrimental effects relativism would have on society, were it not for the underlying values of shame and guilt as dictated in the Bible: amorality encompassing enough to bring about the fall of the Western Empire (giving way to China or India, perhaps? Maybe Africa or South America may even take advantage of that!)

So, Christianity or no-truth-ergo-I'm-my-own(-escapist)?

I want to choose Christianity (/life.) I really do, but I find it hypocritical in a way to just believe! I don't want to 'just believe!' I want to know, I want to be able to hold my chin high in regards to my way of life, my belief, my faith.. Argh, all these 'wobbly' words - never firm enough to get a hold on!

I think the bottomline is that I don't feel like I can be satisfied just switching off my intellect and 'believing,' but is the alternative just to keep searching for an answer I'll never find and then hope hope hope that something nice will happen to some immortal conscience of mine when my body ceases to function? [sigh]

Which is the less miserable Way?

Life, Truth and Mystery - does it ever stop?!

2005-06-12T01:36:00.000+02:00

So the aim of life is to get over yourself and help someone else? What if it was the search for truth? Then can you be satisfied with following your heart instead of your mind? 'Cos how trustworthy is this heart anyway? I've grown up inside church walls but a search for The Truth (the one and only, yes) drove me out (although not entirely away from a belief in God). But really, can this great mystery never be solved? -I really need to know!

La Journée en France

2005-06-09T15:34:00.000+02:00

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she asked me if I did much writing, writing all sorts of things from loose thoughts to.. what's the other extreme?! Whatever it is I don't think I do it. Point is that we started talking about blogging and as a result she has made a blog of her own! Yay! It did take some persuading but it worked - however, now I feel bad about neglecting this site here. I've probably lost you two readers I had but I hope to start this up again.

I'm going to France for half a year. I got a job in a restaurant (or I might become the chauffeur - to be decided upon arrival) in Marseille 'dans la vieux pont.' (red. "on the old harbour.") I'm expecting to learn French fluently which I've already studied for 2 years in high school and with which I'm completely taken! [smile]

Goodness me, I have an oral Danish exam tomorrow that I'm completely unprepared for! Shame, 'cos I've plenty to write about, but I'll save it for another time - and yes, that'll be soon..

Thought of the month: why does an otherwise healthy christian upbringing so often result in a narrow-minded, perspective-lacking inability to relate to 'the (dangerous) world'? Why do we as a church accept that our function in the society has been marginalised so - why are we petrified to take part in the society around us. Why are we being taught at church that "there are certain cafés that are riddled, so don't set foot in that place lest your bodily functions are completely taken over by the Devil!" [slightly exaggerated, yes.. I am frustrated but I do know it] What is this defensive mentality as if the Kingdom has to remember to lock the Pearly Gates at night 'cos otherwise the Almighty King will let His city be overrun just to teach the inhabitants a lesson. And why is the brain banned inside the main meeting hall? Aaaand why are we so afraid to give an objective overview of church history? Is it really so necessary to gloss everything remotely to do with christianity-cos-I-once-heard-that-he-was-christian-no-not-just-like-pop-christian-but-really-born-again-and-stuff-so-he's-a-hero-and-we-owe-it-to-him-to-buy-his-record? And why has no-one told the students who are being intellectually battered everyday that we don't have to defend God like there's no tomorrow? That it is necessary to face your doubts? hmpf

basics

2005-03-20T14:41:00.000+01:00

Back again at my once favourite pastime: blogging. This page's been a great help in the past, but the decline in the quality of my writing has also caused this decline in the quantity of my writings.

About my last post: no hetz, no felt need to just put women down but it was just a (generalising) observation! But you who've objected, you can't seriously mean that you can't see my point! -or is it just a local phenomenon in my own universe?

Neways, so much has happened that I haven't recorded here!! Mostly being personal personality stuff it would be really long to record. I think I made a half-hearted attempt (Kierkegaard and Camus), and to jump to the conclusion I must say that for me right now, its about learning to choose on my own. Basic, yes. Vital, oui oui oui! Something one should've gone through in the early teen years, aswell. ;) Nevertheless, I've started being an active participant in controlling my life instead of letting random events (not God) control. I'm choosing who and what takes my time and energy, what I want and where I'm going - a very necessary part of 'growing up.' Existential philosophy is interesting and helpful: actively choosing your existance is part of 'creating' and defining yourself.

Another thing in the focal light (can you say that?) is what God means to me and how to read the Bible. I'm going all the way back to the basics and building it all again, cos my beach house had bad foundation. Now I'm building a house with a view however, it does take some time to cast a foundation in rock.

I'm procrastinating. I'm gonna go vacuum my room... Sigh, I've got an 11½hour work-day tomorrow being a mobile-phone customer support on the streets of Århus, the 2nd largest city in Dk. Good money though!

Take care ya'll.. Becca, thanks again for the kjv! ;D

faith - in women

2005-02-17T20:13:00.000+01:00

Yeah, I'm talking to you!! *grrr* my faith in the female species (wham) is dwindling. Why has it become so trendy amongst girls to be 'blond-ish' (no offense meant to you blondes!)?! Are any of you intelligent beings or are you simply... simple?! Right, I know that many of you are intelligent in many more ways than me but this is only because of a few of you standing up for yourself! (thanks and applause to those few - some in Denmark, one in the States. -hope you know who you are!)

I'm bad at expressing myself.

my audience, my way of life

2005-02-15T23:07:00.000+01:00

- all gone...? Changed, in any case. I've started reading philosophy books, reading that I increasingly find describes me: Albert Camus. French philosopher who died sometime after the fifties and of course, our very own Søren Kierkegaard. I hear there are Japanese people who learn Danish just to be able to read his stuff in the original language! Now that's wacked! But as I was saying, this reading's putting words on motives, behavioral patterns even desires that I never knew I had! Neways, read "The Fall" (or is it "Fallen"?) by Camus and I guess you'll understand better.

The thing about losing my audience is really that my motives and desires are less 'performance' oriented. In Kierkegaard's philosophy, I'd be developing (but that really is a long story, and I possess neither the vocabulary nor the mental vigour to describe it at this present hour.)

My Rectification

2005-02-05T23:16:00.000+01:00

Let me realise
Let me know
Just excactly how
You would like me to rise

For now my heart's yearn
Is too great
To hear the beat
To know your heart burns

Burn, that my heart does
For your warmth.
T'escape the mirth
Of our missing words

I know that I am not
All you wish
So d'vine is
My acceptance now

That it were not
All entirely so
I do wish, I do

a new revelation about friendships and God

2005-01-24T17:18:00.000+01:00

my full flight from all that has to do with church is at a standstill.. -I knew it'd come to this! [sigh] Thing is, a couple of nights ago I lay down to sleep, turned out the lights creating one's heart's most vulnerable moment of the day. I could simply feel God! -quite literally and down-to-earth, really and I do admit that it's what I've been hoping for for quite a while. My response was: "Arh, okay okay okay, God! Steady on, eh?! I know you've got some appropriate verse for me, so just hit me. You've got a ten-second window of opportunity, so make it a good verse, huh!" I listened like I used to train myself to and instantly ps. 28:3-4 popped into m'head, and it's a quite good scripture! I realized, I don't wanna be like other people cos of something I've felt for a long time but I've been unable to identify and verbalize: selfishness! I don't want to have myself at the centre of my life (v.3), just calling other people "friends." No, I want to give myself to my friends and receive a part of them aswell! Those are the kinds of relationships that I want.. It was quite a revelation for me!

Another thing is that God kinda proved himself to me aswell. He really is real and He really can speak. Now, my moral is at a point where I'm able to follow wholeheartedly! I'm not demanding too much of myself as I was before which lead to the end of my churchly activities. For a while, it's just God and me although I do attend a youth group where I receive ethical teachings.. [smile] 'tis all good!

finding faith again - the journey begins

2005-01-06T01:29:00.000+01:00

Probably the single quote that has stood out the most to me in the last couple of months has been, "feelings don't lie." Now, I know they don't tell the entire truth either and that one shouldn't follow one's feelings entirely, but there is still some truth to it. I don't excactly know how this relates to my relationship with God... -or maybe I do, and I'm just afraid to say it. "I don't feel God." There. I said it. I don't feel Him. I feel the effect that the moral standard of the Bible etc. has on me, a good one, but I don't feel Him. I dare you to ask me about what I do feel then!

I feel longing. In class today we read a poem by one of Denmark's greatest poets, Johannes V. Jensen, called "Paa [eng.: At] Memphis Station" He was an atheist and this only frustrated him. In this poem he expresses his fear of settling down, settling for some incomplete romance. Sure, the sweet girl he'd met in town the day before had turned his stomach, but she wasn't everything. His life amounted to a continual search for the Adventure, The Romance.. The Truth.

Again I pause here and think back at the book I've (almost.. okay, partly) read, The Sacred Romance. I've posted on here about it before and it blew me away at the time; the way it described life as one continuing tale of honour, valour and romance, but I haven't felt it. I'm still searching... -searching for contention, fulfilment and a lady to rescue and mean the world to.

Practically, I'm afraid this longing and this search has distracted me greatly from my schoolwork, and I've started smoking a bit, drinking a bit etc.. -although my ethical upbringing is still strong enough within me to have kept me away from girls at this stage.

I do truly feel like I've lost my childish, childhood faith entirely and now I have to find faith again entirely.

a horrible start to school

2005-01-03T21:21:00.000+01:00

When I came to school this morning for the first day after hols the principal called a general assembly and told of one of the teachers who had been in Phuket. She had lost her husband and she herself was in the hospital now. Furthermore, Morten, a guy from my year and the volley team, had been skiing in Norway where he, New Years Eve, had fallen 8-9 metres to his death. We will be having a memorial service for him tomorrow; one he does deserve.

What to do with the ensuing frustration? After all, we are raised hearing daily of the terrible deaths of others and this, I venture, effects devaluation of our fellow people. Like Morten, after each volley practice I found myself wondering about him, reading his expressions and actions in vague eagerness to understand him, but I never thought much of this. I never thought to value him, because that is not what we do. We do not make ourselves too vulnerable by expressing our admiration of and love for others.

In any case, we, who are left behind taste the bitter, vast emptiness, many of us struck with the realization that each of the people who surround us matter to more to us that we dare admit. -dare we risk loving?

"Love - or not to be" as aforementioned, and o, does it ever ring true! Can one truly live if one does not truly love? Love is the flesh and skin on the bare skeleton, the colours in the cold sea and the taste in the food. Without it, the world and us would exist without all that there is to live for. Therefore, let us love and not hate, living for, because of and to love!"

a time in my life

2004-12-21T01:54:00.000+01:00

-where I'm pulling away from the church as my moral authority (and women too, in fact...) and therefore have to establish God as my moral authority.. -or myself, but I'm not raised to be humanistic.

christmas wishes!

2004-12-09T01:01:00.000+01:00

I'm always hesitant to post at too high a pace as a new post somewhat nullifies the prior.. -which defeats the purpose of a blog.

However, I have found the time to record my wishlist for Christmas:

1. Mobile phone! Preferably Nokia w. Bluetooth and FM (mp3 don't hurt, no! ;)
2. The Jean Paul Gautier perfume (flaske shaped like a body in green glass)
3. CD: "Michael Jackson - the Ultimate Collection." -my goodness he was phunkee back before his op's!
4. King James Bible (not 'The New...') Dark leather bind if possible.
5. Jeans! Loose leg but not gigantous butt as in all my other ones! Something pretty regular, but still upbeat.
6. A Norman ST-40 guitar w. pick-up.. -but I guess that's as unrealistic as two return tickets to S'pore, Oz, Indo, Chicago or Kelowna, huh?
NEW: 7. An mp3 player with microphone! yeeeha! check it out at: http://www.tyvstop.dk/product_info.php/cPath/36/products_id/497
yup yup yup!

Now, get to it people! [muahaha]

John Donne - my man

2004-12-06T23:49:00.000+01:00

I'm doing a big assignment which I'm also running behind on, but I must stop and record some of my initial wondernment! I'm writing about John Donne, a very religiously devout and widely recognized metaphysical master poet of the 17th century, and it is writ about him that he did not deny his youth as a "womanizer," however he saw his life as a whole and that, coupled with his interest for and understanding of psychology triggered lines that are so fitting and explaining of my life, my Most Holy, when he proclaimed to his (final) beloved:

"If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desir'd, and got, t'was but a dreame of thee."

...my goodness, I have seldom encountered such understanding of romantic unctions in an individual expressed so undescribeably elegant! And here I was, succumbing to the belief that it was 'only me.' Tsk tsk tsk...

bad medicine

2004-11-30T17:11:00.000+01:00

I'm tasting my own medicine these days and it's wonderfully sobering! Being flirted with and still held at an arm's length.. [smile] I guess I've never tried being played before 'cos I've always done all the 'playing'. ....ever read "Forføreren" ("The Seducer") by Søren Kierkegaard?! I guess it's summed up in one sentence (somewhat): thrill of the chase. It's The Game and I've been an egocentric Lord in It for a long time now.

Here's to life!

re-targeting

2004-11-16T01:05:00.000+01:00

This innate, continuing striving for Perfection, is it instinct? Why is it in me? Is it a product of my convictions? -my subconscious, perhaps.. Is it God-given?

Whatever the verdict it's there and and the graphics are so good, the edge of the e is razor sharp. I want, I want, I want.. what is it really that I want? I want to be a successful person, son, brother, friend, student and boy-friend.. How? Look at other people. Live for God, and live for them and then tend to yourself. It's basic, it's logical, but it's what makes a real man.

"Live your life so that others succeed."

how can I live without you?

2004-11-11T01:16:00.000+01:00

I wish I was in love. I'm not. I doubt I ever will be again.. -can't imagine it!

Still.. I don't wanna be in love! I almost let someone have a go at persuading me but as aforementioned: I don't think I'll ever fall in love again! I don't trust 'being in love.' It's never resulted in anything good so I don't trust it.

I don't wanna be in love again. I don't want anyone to persuade me.. but please do!

2004-10-30T10:37:00.000+02:00

...after a party at my school last night. I'm fixed up now though.

the sparse vibes

2004-10-27T01:44:00.000+02:00

I have commenced my life as a munk which is why I have not posted here lately.

...well, not really a munk, but it certainly feels like it since I have drawn back somewhat from social activities in an attempt to gain a more rigourous spine, if ya know wot I meen..

to all the ones we've hurt along the way

2004-10-17T03:04:00.000+02:00

this other blogger I know recently wrote in her blog:

...i wish people my age would open their eyes...
...and see how much pain they can cause...
...i wish people would do that in general...
...look at the sad world today...

My self-condemnation as of late's been mounting, so to those out there who identify with the above and who might even have been hurt by someone like me: I'm sorry.. We're sorry! We know we cause pain and we desperately regret it but it's hard to be perfect. People cling to us (not saying you do, but some do) and it's hard to facilitate so many people in our lives. It's hard to make everyone happy at once. So we do apologise to you all for the pain we cause.

I do desperately regret it and wish it all undone.

The world looks grim from my point of view right now.. God, I've stuffed up again. Can you save the day again? -cos it's gonna require your miracles again.

Paris - the city of romance? no!

2004-10-12T20:11:00.000+02:00

FREAK!! I just wrote a looong post, but these dangin French computers are NOT FOR HUMANS! dah...

neways, I was going on (in good spirits) about how my friend, Filip, and I have hitch hiked to Paris.. -but as my mood is now raging in the gutter your gonna have to wait for it till I get back home.. But then there'll be pix on it too!

For now, I can only say that we're living at a camping ground outside of downtown Paris called, Boulogne, we're spending waaaay to much money and we're lonely. French are snobs, I reckon! But we made it from Randers, Dk, to downtown Paris in 18 hours which's gotta be some kind of record! -with a tourist bus! -FREE!

Most of our time we spend walking around this huge city commenting chicks we see and chicks we know back home! -what can I say?! It's a guy thing I guess.. *grin* Tonite we've got a double date with two Danish girls we met at the Museum de l'Horreur (although they call it a museum of war).. they're somewhere around 25 though! We're just psyched about going to town with ppl we can talk to though! We've arranged to go to a latin jazz club..

Another pastime's just trying to speak French but the French won't speak English and they won't speak to people who don't speak perfect French! gah..

We're counting on leaving for home on Thursday but it's looking to be a tough journey if we aren't lucky enuff to make it with truck driver.. but let's see! More with lots of pix when I get back..

"Joy to the world, the Lord is come..."

leaving for vacation

2004-10-08T03:49:00.000+02:00

That's right, folks! I'm going hitch hiking around Europe again this year. It's with the same guy as last year and we're feeling quite well-prepared and ready. As some may know our goal last year was to reach France, but as we took a detour to Berlin where we stayed a couple of days we only made it to Luxembourg City - just 30 clicks away from the French border..

Our goal this year is: Italy! Tadaaa... Let's see how it goes.. posts and pix when I get home in a bit more than a week I should expect.

wish us luck..

how to live

2004-10-06T02:57:00.000+02:00

It's 3am and I have school tomorrow so this is what's on my mind:

Two good goals to set for your life (which sum up the law and the prophets):

1. Invest yourself always in your relationship with God instead of striving to become a more moral human being.

(Unless you're a god, it won't work well enough..

plus it sux. Investing in a relationship is much

more fun/rewarding/worth your while. -believe

me, I've tried it both!)

2. Live your life so that others succed.

(I find that I exclaim to my friends more and

more in moments of great honesty that I'm

not succeeding as a person. My economy's at

an all-time low, I'm not doing too well in school

and my social life is devastating. My love for

God's definetely not an adventurous love story!

So instead of focusing on myself why don't I

try taking God's advice and focus on Him and

others? I know it'll work.. I've tried it for short

periods of time.)

a final goodbye to the teens

2004-09-29T21:58:00.000+02:00

Yes people, it's my last day as a teenager and it's quite scary to be honest! The symbolic value of turning twenty is huge to me right now: scared, proud, expectant, regretful, glad and fragile. (I can't remember last time I felt small and fragile.....)

Tomorrow morning my family's coming at 7:15am to drink hot chocolate and eat a nice breakfast - like we've always done. [samhørighed] I don't really expect much from my birthday as it's never been a huge deal to us and as always, I know some of what my parents are getting me already.. I like predictability to an extent. It's secure, safe. hmm..

----------------

I've started to shun beauty: sunsets, forests and the like. It's because these beautiful scenes remind me that I'm part of a great love story, but I've felt it so many times and let myself down an equal number of times. One could say that I've broken my own heart by disappointing myself so now I flee the memory, the heartache. 'Cos that's what beauty 'provokes' in me: a heart-sigh to go with God's heart-sigh.

I have a constant nagging feeling of guilt because I ought to be much more than I am: I ought to be a 'safety' for those who are insecure, a father to those who need a father, one who saves the world around him - I ought to be a hero but I'm not.. it's tough being a guy.

I know, I know: there's no condemnation and in Christ I can do anything, and I do believe it. I do believe it..

I pass a landmark, I pass a checkpoint
confirming my stridings so far
It's a time to re-assess and re-address
to re-define and re-align
my life and direction
my purpose and intention
and gather my heart back up.
It's time to decide what a man
I will be for the rest of my time.

old hopeful things

2004-09-28T01:53:00.000+02:00

I was at my parent's place the other day. Not too long ago they bought a house that's something like 130 years old. It's a small 2-storey house just across the street from another house we've lived in. Point is that my dad's fixing it up upstairs and he finds these old newspapers. The latest produce from the floorboard underworld is a rather intact local newspaper from May 31. 1931. It's funny to read the Hitler-neutral articles that stand in stark contrast to the history books we read.

Tonight I'm partly sad. Sad because my greatest fear is to be rejected and I feel mildly rejected. [sigh] I just take these things waaay to personal. Plus I long for more than is to be mine. 9th and 10th commandments, right? Vs. the Law of Love. I choose #2. I'm rambling. It's 1am and I slept 4 hours last night. I'm tired. Melancholic. But God's the same and that actually really helps. I've always had hope. Things will always look up again. It'll be alright some day if you have your heart set on it. Really.

"A right heart need not be discouraged for it can rest knowing that it's tragic end will be replaced by a beautiful morning. There's always another morning for a right heart. As long as there is time, there is hope."

My Upcoming B-day!! [yay]

2004-09-22T01:47:00.000+02:00

Yup peoples! My 2oth birthday's coming up (30sep) so here's my wish list. Send all prezzies to:

Ivan Saaby Nielsen
Århusvej 24D st.th.
8900 Randers
Denmark

Wishes:
(New) King James Bible with a cover of naturally colored leather. Preferable no more that 20cm high or so.

Hugo Boss perfume - the round SILVER one (NOT the blue). As much as you can afford.

A nice shirt maybe some pants

Shinpads (really good ones) for soccer

Digital dictaphone with USB port and at least 128MB space

New Nokia mobile phone

New Acoustic Guitar: Norman ST-40 with Fishman pick-up, thank you very much!

I really gotta sleep..... more will probably follow. =)

loving

2004-09-18T16:45:00.000+02:00

I'm good at people. -when I'm free, that is! I really, really do like people I meet but how does one contain such ardor? I express my appreciation of someone, that someone expects a new flaming relationship (romantic or not) which I cannot 'deliver'.

Now is that a problem with me or with the low love-standard of our society? Should people be more used to being told that they really are appreciated or should I just start being less caring? Cos people are getting hurt when they are let down. I hurt people all the time it seems and it's frustrating because I'm clinched between being myself and being cold.

[sigh]

spiritual revolutions

2004-09-15T23:16:00.000+02:00

Who was it that said that throughout one's relationship with God one undergoes several spiritual revolutions? Some author, can't remember, but I do find it true. Less than a week ago I heard a good local preacher speak about... uhh... well, I guess he just spoke about a lot of the common misconceptions we have about what it means to [cliché:] 'walk with the Lord.'

One thing that was renewed to my understanding was the basic element of love in my perception of my Father in heaven. I recognise that the love in my heart to God has gone cold because my life has turned to be about pleasing myself. All this is really basic to all those of us who've grown up within church walls. To me it's a big issue though!

Just a couple of days I was sitting in my car with one of my two best friends talking about our friendship from every conceivable angle. Why, what and when it was: our friendship. Our motives etc. Whenever we talk we usually end up in a rather melancholic mood, but this time it was worse. When I think back over my life I am shocked to find out that I haven't really retained my friendship with any of my childhood friends. The main reason that we are still friends is because we attend the same church. The point is that I've always been a really lame friend. I.. I didn't really know what it was until it occured to me that day in the car: my life is about me. I have friends to keep my sanguine fear of rejection at bay (my biggest fear: rejection). I don't serve them. They serve me. I invest my time and energy in them for immediate emotional gain. I kid you not!

This, of course, is reflected in my relationship with God. I serve Him only for my own sake. No, I haven't crucified my flesh and taken up my cross. Aye, I just wanna be really good friends with the Spirit, because I recognise that He deserves it. -because I love Him.

Yet there is still hope:

"As long as there is time there is hope."

standard fill #1

2004-09-08T23:30:00.000+02:00

My goodness, did I really leave for 10 days with such a violent post?! I'm still alive though.. -I wish I could say 'alive and well' but I'm not really well. Scraping by I must admit!

I have this thing about evolution nowadays though! Here's an excellent article entitled "Challenging Darwinian Fundamentalism - Intellectuals Who Find Darwinism Unconvincing"
Read it! I give the Theory of Evolution 10 years...

Homework.. essays.. music assignments.. life? hmm..

_ivan

Movie Truths

2004-08-29T04:17:00.000+02:00

I've just watched a beautiful Danish movie. It's the second (or third - woteva) time I watch it and the point of it only just hit my daft analytical 'abilities' now! [smile] The title serves to enforce the blow of the point: "I Kina spiser de hunde" which translates into "They Eat Dogs in China."

It's a part of a 'recent' renaissance in the Danish film industry (besides Von Trier's stuff) - a renaissance that started off with the so-called 'dogme' genre which funded the small company's climb to excellent satire and ironic-comedic filmings.. wonderful really! But all this' beside the point.. The point is:

The movie's about this regular guy who works at a bank, lives with his girlfriend in his average apartment and plays squash for fun. One day a bank robber tries to rob his bank but he clubs the robber in the head with his colleague's squash racket. He comes home and his girlfriend split having cleaned out the apartment - apparently because he was too mediocre.. Just then the bank robbers girlfriend comes to his door yelling and hitting him because they bank money was for an artificial insemination that she should've had because the robber and her really want kids! He feels really bad and... to make a long movie short, he goes to his criminal brother and tells him that he wants to right his wrong. His bro helps him rob a bank and they go on a looong vendetta to right all their wrongs during which the brother starts killing people (out of necessity if you look at the task at hand) and the main character's shocked! After calling him a psycho, the (psycho) brother says to him that what he's doing's not wrong! -how can anything be wrong? You just find out what you're good at and call it 'right' and then whatever you suck at, you just label it 'wrong'. In that way you're always doing the right thing!

I know my portrayal of this masterpiece cannot convey all that there is to convey (read: it's shoddy!), but the point is clear and simple: today's common belief in darwinism has undermined all meaning and all moral. Why? [no answer] Why not then just kill the people who're in our way, take the money we want/need - MAKE OUR OWN TRUTH? [no answer] Why does the world not see that this FOOOOOLISH - and did I mention UNSUBSTANTIATED? - belief in so-called 'science' (read: blameshifting and RUNNING FROM FAULTS!) is undermining our entire society? The comfortable, vague and devastating 'truths' that people come up with frustrate me so much!! ARGH!!

What are people thinking when they ask me: "...does that mean, Ivan, that you actually believe that I'm going to Hell?" and I say: "Yes.." and then they go: "But that's so mean!" Deal with it people! There's a definite truth, there's nothing you can do to change that, so what're you gonna do about it? (and if you even think of starting on the 'holier-than-thou'-dung, I'll...)

welling and cisterns

2004-08-18T01:02:00.000+02:00

Wow, it's been awhile since my last post, eh?! ("Let's go to Canada, it's great! It's a make-believe state..."=) I've gone back into my busy, busy routine which has taken it's toll on my level of communication online, a routine that keeps me busy every day of the week with only a couple of hours to spare and too little sleep. I'm busy playing worship in church and leading a kid's group for 6-10 year old boys. Taking them birdwatching, fishing, shooting and all that fun stuff... -I really like kids!

But with all that time in church I've been telling God that I've prioritised my time to do work that I've been called to do instead of having a part-time job on the side and so I'm telling Him to help me pay off my debts etc. Hasn't worked yet, but this far God really hasn't failed me once and besides He's probably trying to teach me a thing or two.. [grin]

Another resource that I'm dependent on God for is energy. I don't sleep too much and last year I almost quit everything 'cos I was worn out. I know that the same thing won't happen again if I "draw my strength from The Lord." The only problem is that the verb "to draw" is an active word. -I have to get up and do something aswell between God and I, I've always come out the weakest link. So: Ivan, get your strength from God this season, huh?!

Also worth mentioning is the fact that I'm full of love these days! I like people!!

the philosophy of the age

2004-08-10T15:00:00.000+02:00

Following is an excerpt from my book on the history of Danish litterature [translated] about the romantic period that's largely a part of the 19th century:

"With the universal-romantic philosophy one tried to grasp the arrangement of life, in the same way the Christianity had. The romantics largely adopted Christianity's historical form: The world is created and in the childhood of mankind man was a whole being... Then came the Fall. Man became conscious of himself and was broken as the romantics termed it. The new thing was that they interpreted the Fall as a positive event! This was because history was started by the Fall and the aim of history is a new golden age at a higher level than the old. A golden age created by the human spirit itself that is even greater than the golden age in the Garden of Eden."

Now that sounds like one of the lies of someone I know: "You can be greater than God! You can create your own paradise, see you don't need God!" Lucifer himself was doomed because of that lie and he's pulling man into the pit with him!

Now, what're you gonna do about it?

my own flesh, blood and bones...

2004-08-08T03:40:00.000+02:00

My little sister (12) is a genius! Give her 4½ minutes, and you have graphics for bags, pencil cases and all that kid's stuff that's sell worldwide... [whoa]
btw "hvor er mit solsikkefrø" means "where's my sunflower seed???" -how ingenius is that?!

In other news, I went to the swimming pool today and nearly broke my collar bone playing ruff with a load of other guys there.. The doc at the hospital afterwards said it was broken, 'cept when the x-ray was done it showed that it was just bent.. -really bent! How can a bone just bend like that?! It's like bent 20° plus I can't drive my new car for the next 3-4 days.. [sigh]

manic prayer of real reasoning

2004-08-05T22:11:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I think I'm senile and other times I think I'm manic depressive.. -probably 'cos I haven't really been close to either disorder but I still do think I have the tendencies. (don't we all, come to think of it?)

I remember a year back and remember thinking: "will I ever grow up? will I ever learn self-control?" 'cos you know, I really do expect these things of myself! I've always had a firm belief in myself (or is it God in me?) although I must admit that sometimes this belief dwindles and - looking at the ppl around me - I'm discouraged because of their development (egocentric, I know..) and because of all the problems I've caused in the last year. I've made two old friends royally mad at me and seriously messed up two other people. -and my 'depressive tendency' (wouldn't call it a depression) is only amplified by those aforementioned odd movies..

"Dear God! I've proved to myself yet again that without You I can't function. Without You, my world falls apart. You're my hope, my peace and my love. Thanks for your forgiveness that causes you to not base Your view of me on my sins but rather on Your love for me.. Thank You for Your mercy that is above clichés, above the empty philosophy of the world and above all the grandiose lies of Satan - the freaking loser!

Keep me, o make me! Be my centre, my outer and all in between. Be my logic, be my reason. Yes, be my life 'cos You're the Answer to the cries of the hearts of all the people in this world who we think have it all together, all the people who carry themselves too well. God, they have sometimes fooled me with their self-deceit but I am fooled no more! You are the Answer and the only one in which we can place our confidence because Your Wisdom puts to shame all the self-crowned wisdom of man. Nuts! God, it really is true that to You, all men are merely like the grass of the field! -so tall, grandiose and all encompassing, to ourselves when in reality, we're as fragile, dependant and as simple as grass.

My worth as a human being, God, is derived from the value that You have placed on me. My influence on Your indescribable HEART - the ever beating HEART of the Maker - is way out of proportion; to my advantage! The words "humbled" and "thankful" do not convey even in part the Reality of my life!

So in spite of the stark contrast between the majesty and grandeur of our beings, God, You have made it possible for me to smile peacefully and truthfully and say something as simple as:

Goodnight God..."

pick your truth

2004-08-02T12:52:00.000+02:00

As of late I've watched two movies that included the element of time travel: The Butterfly Effect and Donnie Darko and both movies preach (nope, not taking back that word) that the world is a better place without you. Both of the main characters are presented with the opportunity of changing the past and both of them end up going back and killing themselves. Now what kind of message is that?! Why, o why do people use their lives to spread that kind of message? -a message in direct contradiction with God who says in Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..."

1. God knew you, knew how you'd turn out and then chose to go ahead forming you, purposing you, choosing you! (the issue of abortion pops into my mind here..)

2. God formed you, YOUR LOOKS (yes, even your toes), your level of intelligence (roughly) and your talents (and lack of the same).

But now the choice is your's. Pick a truth to live after:

1. The world's a better place without you. Your life is only a source of pain to those close to you.
Effects of this option: hopelesness, apathy, self-loathing, hatred and spiritual sickness are some of the most common bi-products.
2. You've been purposed and there is a plan to your being. God loves you and intends for you to have a meaningful, exciting, honest and love-filled life and has also provided an ever open opportunity to enter into this life.
Effects of this option: hope, uncontrollable passion, healthy relations to God and those around you, maximum level of self-worth, absurd levels of joy, well-being, purpose, exciting spiritual events, spiritual battle and self-denial in areas involving your 'fleshly' desires are some of the most common bi-products.

Didn't mean to preach.. just couldn't help m'self. [smile]

"Joy to the world..."